Beauty

Oh yeah, I'm going to be in Miss FSU.

I'm going to be in a competition with 7 other girls to represent the school. It's not supposed to be a popularity contest or a beauty pageant (though it'll probably end up that way).
I'm going to wear a pretty dress and try to sing in front of a crowd of people, then I'll be escorted onto the stage by my friend as I showcase another pretty dress (my formal wear gown *coughmypromdresscough*), and I'll answer some questions for the judges, and hopefully after all of that I'll be named the new Miss FSU.

I'm sort of excited for it.
I know I'll be pretty damn close to shitting my pants once I'm called onto the stage to sing, but right now I'm feeling good about it all.

This is my chance to show the people of this school what I can really do. This is my chance to show myself what I can do. I've modeled before, but having to speak infront of a crowd is a whole other story.

I'm amped.

Let's go.

 [Wish me luck, guys!]

Lovely Lanterns

Operation Johnny in Full Effect!

If you don't remember, I created Operation Johnny about a month and a half ago.

Objective: To keep my friend's hopes high and to try to make him feel better, even in the smallest way.
Reason: He means a lot to me and he should know that. He also should know that he's not alone, that he shouldn't be so stressed. I want to let him know that even if he hasn't changed the world, he at least changed one person's world.

Step 1: Send him my 1000 paper cranes in the mail for good luck.
Step 2: Save money.
Step 3: Buy a plane ticket to California for sometime around Spring Break (hopefully) and visit him.
Step 4: Somehow make or buy him a cake since he never got one for his birthday. :(


And as of last night, steps 1, 2, and 3 have been taken. I'm going to California, guys! :D
Somehow (after working long hours on weekends and picking up my coworker's shifts...) I've been able to save up enough money and when I talked to him last night he found a ticket price for about $70 less than what I was originally going to pay. In the spur of a moment I decided that I wanted to visit him earlier than Spring Break. I just have this horrible doubt that something bad may happen in that extra 3 months I don't see him... so I figured since we're both on Winter Break in January, I'm going to visit him a week before my birthday. We're going to party hard haha.
So I've got my ticket and I have a design ready for that tattoo I'm going to get. Oh, did I forget to tell you about that too? Yeah, in another spur-of-the-moment decision, I decided that I'm going to get a tattoo while in Cali. I figure if there's any place to get a quality tattoo done, Cali's it.


I'm excited :)


Now all I have to do is finish this semester with awesome grades, save up more cash for Christmas gifts and California shoppinggggg, and I'll be all set for the best transition into the new year yet. I wish I could just live my life exactly like this - doing the things I want for myself, by myself. It's so... freeing.


P.S. Johnny said I should visit in the summer too. Hell-to-the-mo-fo-YEAH! This first trip will just be a test run for me to get used to flying by myself and everything.


;)

Because I'm black and they'd never think to find me beautiful...

Smartphone

http://forlackofabettercomic.com/

Tiny Tim - Livin' In the Sunlight, Lovin' In the Moonlight

JGL

Yes.

Darwin

From The Amazing World of Gumball... How can you not love him or the show? Haha.

Karma's a Bitch...

I skipped class to eat an amazing breakfast of chocolate chip pancakes and kielbasa sausage, only to find that they don't have breakfast... or any good food available when I get here. -_-

I finally got to eat what I came for after 30 minutes of waiting but it was sort of pointless, you know? Sigh, the things I do for kielbasa and some chocolate lol.

JON MCXRO - Don't Say Nothin' (feat. JoJo)

Profession

You know what I'm really good at?

Procrastination.

There should be a profession for that. I'd be perfect for it...

If only I could write my essays as easily as I did the posts on my blog.

 I'd be writing 10 page papers with no problem. I'd be getting straight A's. Can I major in My Life?
Please?

A.K.'s New Work

Audrey Kawasaki came out with some new work which looks bea-u-ti-ful. As always, I'm in awe.

Check out the rest of it on her website.

Wandering Star
Oil, acrylic, and graphite on wood panel 16"x16"
Jonathan Levine Gallery "Midnight Reverie" NY

Untitled
Graphite and ink on hand cut vellum 6"x6"
Jakarta or Bust art auction

Make Believe
Oil, acrylic, and graphite on wood panel 24"x24"
Jonathan Levin Gallery "Midnight Reverie" NY

Into
Oil, acrylic, and Graphite on wood panel 9"x9"
Jonathan Levine Gallery "Midnight Reverie" NY

All paintings by Audrey Kawasaki.
2012

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

I've seen this movie in the instant queue of Netflix for a while and I finally watched it Sunday night. I love Jim Carrey movies, but this was in the sci-fi/romance genre so I wasn't so sure. It turned out to be a really good movie. It's about a guy named Joel who finds out that his impulsive ex-girlfriend Clementine had him and their relationship erased from her memory. He reacts by also getting his memory erased of her. During the procedure however, he realizes that he doesn't want to follow through the procedure. Most of the movie takes place in Joel's subconscious mind where he tries to resist the operation and get the people operating on him to stop. Backtracking through his memories with her, Joel tries hold on to Clementine by taking her to different memories of his younger life.
It was a very interesting movie not only because of the provoking concept of removing another completely from one's memory, but also because of the personalities of the two main characters Joel and Clementine, which seemed to be polar extremes of one another that somehow clashed well, in a perfect harmony.

I guess this movie was a good one to me because I found myself relating quite a bit to Jim Carrey's character, who is emotionally withdrawn. Two of his quotes really clicked with me:

One was, for him, on the subject of girls (for me, on the subject of guys).
Joel: "[narration as Clementine acknowledges Joel by raising her coffee mug] Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?"

The other was about him being so withdrawn.
Clementine: "You don't tell me things, Joel. I'm an open book. I tell you everything, every damn, embarrassing thing.You don't trust me."
Joel: "Constantly talking isn't necessarily communicating."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 I've gone to two sessions with counseling so far. At the last session my counselor/therapist suggested that I feel listless and somewhat depressed null because I feel withdrawn in relationships with those I care about most. Especially considering the relationships that have ended more recently, I feel somewhat void of someone to talk to whenever I need them. It makes a lot of sense. I'm glad she could connect the dots for me because it was bothersome not to know why I was feeling so down. So as a remedy I've decided to try going to one of the group meditation sessions on campus. That, or yoga/regular exercise. Something to help clear my mind and let go of the past. I've also recently read a book for Psychology called Understanding Other People by Beverly D.Flaxington. I 'm going to try and use the tips in that book to better communicate with the close friends I have now. Maybe I can make more meaningful relationships out of those. Maybe that'll be the way to help me feel grounded and not so                detached                 from others.

But anyway, back to the movie review!

I give it 3.5/5 stars. Great concept, beautiful presentation, something that I could relate to, but it was sort of confusing and it's a movie I'd only want to watch once. Still, go see it. It's worthwhile!

Beautiful Big Hair, Don't Fucking Care

One day I will be as beautiful as these women are. Not because of big hair, but because I will have accepted myself for who I am, what I look like, and all that I can do. I will be successful because I will have achieved happiness. But enough about me - look at the amazing hair in these awesome pictures! 

Erykah Badu

Shingai Shoniwa

Teyana Taylor

Teyana Taylor, again.

On a brighter note, my friend said that I reminded her of Corinne Bailey Rae today.

I took that as a huge compliment.
I'm sure she was just distracted by the fact that I have an afro and Corinne has natural hair also. There's nothing similar about us. Corinne is absolutely gorgeous. And I can only dream to have hair as long and beautiful as hers. And her music? So much soul and passion! If only I had a voice like hers...

So this is basically my tribute post to Corinne Bailey Rae. Thank you for your music! Stay strong, stay beautiful.

Males of the Mind

"I understand. You're not attracted to me. C'est la vie."

- Rushmore (1998)

I'm trying to get over Jay. And at the same time I'm working on forming and building relationships with my guy friends - ones where I won't end up developing romantic feelings for them. It's harder than it seems because, well, I like to surround myself with people who have qualities I like, you know?
But anyway, because I'm focusing so much on the guys in my life, the more attractive ones really stick out. Like all the guys I work with at Staples. Damn, I don't know how so many beauties got assigned to one store... I found out that one of them recently broke up with his girlfriend, hmmm... I was wondering why he was so flirty the other day. And now I know haha.
But per usual, even before I got to know any of them I told myself that it would never work out between us.

Because they're so much more open than I am, because our personalities don't match.
Because I'm too tall.
Because I'm black and they'd never think to find me beautiful.
Because I'm not attractive enough.
Because I have awkward large hands and big feet and a big, ugly nose.
Because I'm too quiet and came off as not interested.
Because of all the other reasons floating around in my mind.
The list goes on and on.

The list that I use as my defense mechanism. The list that always keeps me at a distance from the opposite sex. The list that I refer to whenever I find someone that I might like and eventually even fall for. The list that gives me reasons to avoid getting involved with that person. The list that challenges my self esteem every single damn day.

Through habit, I've tricked myself into believing that I'm not attractive to guys - or at least not attractive enough to risk getting into a relationship with. C'est la vie.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh. In other news, I have a bad feeling that I'm gonna get fired. The other day at work some guy came in claiming that he opened his newly bought box of ink cartridges and inside the individual packages were already opened and he wanted a new one. He was an honest-looking middle-aged man who wanted a refund or exchange. At the time, it made sense to me. It sounded like he was telling the truth so I told him to grab another and I exchanged it for him. Only afterwards when I called the manager on duty to the front (this guy is around my age and also one of the attractive guys working here) did he say that for situations like that I should call him to the front because I basically just let the guy walk away with $90 worth of product. It didn't occur to me that the man could've been lying - he even offered to talk to the manager about it, but there were other people in line and I let him go. The attractive manager said he didn't want me to lose my job... those words were what really sunk in. I felt bad about it for a good hour or two afterward. It took seeing the attractive manager dance and sing and be happy, and my other attractive coworkers making me laugh for me to eventually let it go. But I still feel bad about it even now. I felt so stupid and useless! I really hope I don't lose my job. I didn't mean any harm... I swear, it's one mistake I won't let happen ever again. Hopefully the attractive manager will see that. :\

Problemssssss, sigh.

Daydream Dancer

Kid Cudi - Pursuit of Happiness

Sunday Dinner

My family - my whole family, including my sister - came up to see me and have dinner tonight :)
As annoying as they can get, I must admit that I did miss them. Plus, it was nice to eat some actual good-tasting food for once...

I can't remember the last time we've done anything like that. I'm glad I could bring them all together, if only once in a blue moon. And since we didn't get that much time to talk, Malcolm is planning on coming up on Tuesday to have breakfast with me. Fun :)

Keep staying positive and things will turn out okay, Christina. Things will get better.. eventually.

Jordana Sheara Photography

I like it.

Check out more of her work on her website here.

JUST FRIENDS

Why is it so hard for me to be just friends with a guy? For as long as I can remember I've never been able to just be friends with a guy. Even in elementary school. Shannon? The first guy ever to tell me that he liked me? That was in the fourth grade. And I can remember chasing him around just because I liked him back in the 2nd grade. I was never really just friends with him.

By now, my second year in college, you'd think that I'd at least have some sort of relationship with a guy (romantic or not), but no. Well... yes. There was Frank. But I liked him. And told him eventually. But it worked out. We're still friends now. Other than that though he's been my only close guy friend. Being completely honest, I've had some sort of feelings towards all my other male friends - the ones who I thought were attractive, at least. The not-so-attractive ones I've always tried to avoid one-on-one contact with because I felt like they liked me, and I didn't want to.. lead them on. Sigh, I know that sounds really bad (believe me, I don't think I'm any sort of hot shit or anything..), but there's no other way I can try to explain my strange thought process. Don't judge me.

So anyway, here in college where I have a lot more interaction with the opposite sex I find it... difficult. Well, I'm definitely getting better (yay for me going through this whole "growing up" thing in college!), but when it comes to someone I'm actually really attracted to like *coughJaycough* it gets really complicated.
I've come to a point where I realized that it's just better that we stay friends. I'm going through this phase where I convince myself that it wouldn't work out between us anyway (the same thing I usually do before meeting any other guy..). And it's working, ever so slowly. The fact that I don't see him as often helps too. I wish I could just "lose" his number.. haha.

But tonight I finally got the chance to sit down and talk to him one-on-one. It was nice, just two friends catching up. Then he brought up a very interesting topic. He was on Facebook and his sister posted a status about nice guys. How she feels like crap because she's talking to this nice guy, but she's disappointed to see him treat all other girls he interacts with the same way. It doesn't make her feel as special anymore. Which is something I totally get, but he was confused by it. He asked for my opinion on it.

So I told him, "It's funny that you mention that. Because you make me feel the same way."

...

Did you believe me? Yeah, no. I would never say something that bold. I told him that I could see how she feels (I really, really, reaaaally do... -_- ) but I could also see where he, the nice guy, is coming from. I said that it was a shame that all guys weren't simply nice. If that were a standard, there wouldn't be any problem, there wouldn't be any more confusion.

I'm writing about this because I found it extremely ironic how he mentioned that tonight of all nights talking to me. Why me? That comment poked a hole in my neatly sealed box of feelings. Now I have to wrap it up again and convince myself, yet again, that we are just friends. I must not expect anything more. I must prepare myself for heartbreak before anything happens (namely, before he starts "hanging out" with another girl). Just Friends. Not exactly what I'd hoped for, but it'll just have to do.

Every single time I fall at the wrong time...

Other than that though I was forced to watch part of Insidious. I won't ever say it aloud, but it freaked me out so much that it made me cry. Never again... And I'm finally out of the Biology major. It feels like a huge weight's been lifted off my shoulders.. I'm starting to see a counselor here on campus. I hope they can help me figure out my life. If not, at least I'll have someone I know I can always talk to when I can't turn to anyone else. I got a 90 on my Macroeconomics exam tonight. WOOO! Oh, and I think I'm starting to resent Honey Bee. When I see her updates on Facebook I get the strong urge to just.. delete her from everything. My Facebook, my phone, ..my memories... I think I need to work on being content with my life more. I need to accept the past, live in the moment, and look towards a bright, happy future. That's the life I want. I'm just having trouble getting there :(

Is happiness too much to ask for?

Btw I went to a poetry slam earlier this week and Dan Castillo's poems are amazing. Listen to his poem "Letter to St. Thomas the Apostle" on his website here. If you don't like that one, check out his other ones. I'm positive there's something there everyone can relate to in some way. I emailed him the next day and he replied with kind words. He just seemed so happy and content with his life on that stage. Is it so wrong to want that kind of life?

I think I have a solution. It may be time to try to start up meditating again. The first time everything just... fell through. Let's see how this goes...

I Want This

With this.

And some moments like this.

Or just this. That'd be fine too...
Or Harry Shum Jr., why you soo sexay?
;)

The Pros and Cons of Single Life

Created by 50shadesoftayy. Check out her blog.

Pros:

• you don’t have to think for two
• you have free time 24/7
• you’re not exactly tied down to anyone
• MONEY SAVED.
• not having to remember anniversaries, birthdays, all other couple related dates.
• not being pressured to have sex (although no one should pressure you, you should wait until you’re ready/comfortable with your mate.)
• arguments.
• get to know yourself better.
• get to expand your social circle, without someone getting jealous.

Cons:

• SEXUAL FRUSTRATION.
• when those times you’re lonely, and you don’t feel like just calling someone up just to chill. You want someone who genuinely wants you and misses you.
• doing those sick-mushy couple stuff with.
• dates. and getting all dressed up and excited to be spending time with them.
• talking about your future and what you want to accomplish with that person.
• hearing love songs and instantly thinking about that one person.
• knowing that someone wants YOU. and ONLY YOU. NOBODY ELSE. JUST YOU.
• always someone to talk too, and giving/receiving advice to better that person.
• someone to encourage you when you’re down and depressed.
• getting excited about the future with that person.

That pretty much sums it up in a nutshell for me, though I've never been in an actual relationship before so I can't really say much else.

Marley Quote

The Peace of Wild Things

I sort of went on a little online shopping spree tonight... But it's for a good cause! Music keeps me happy - or at least sane, even in the worse of moods. I ordered a physical copy of this CD and I absolutely can't wait to hold it in my hands and listen to its magic that first time I put it in the CD player. I love Paper Route's music. I am sooooo excited.

Great way to end the night, I'd say. 
♥

Escaping Freshman Fifteen

Last year I got by through volleyball. We were always training and practicing and I sweat A LOT. But this year I'm worried I'll succumb to the horrible disease that is Freshman 15. I play no sport, so there's nothing to keep me active. I go to the gym maybe once every two weeks (at least once a week if I'm being good), which isn't much exercise if you think about it long-term. I try to take the 6 flights of stairs up to my room to save power and keep my heart pumpin strong (that's more than I can say for those people who take the elevators from the 3rd floor to the 5th floor EVERY SINGLE DAY...), I've cut back on my juice and soda intake dramatically, and I try to only eat until I'm satisfied/eat smaller portions (with less meat also!), but at the end of the day... I CAN'T STOP EATING - or, let me clarify that. I can't stop snacking! It's sort of a problem because I'm always looking around for food but the stock in my room ran out so then I have to use my laundry money or cash to get something ridiculously overpriced from the vending machine which won't even fill me up but I still get anyway. It's as though I always have to chew on a snack.. And 90% of the snacks I end up eating are junk. I'm afraid. That my pouch will come back and haunt me, never go away. How do I control my food intake? Do I keep eating because of stress? Or because I'm just bored? (Sad, but true, that's a real possibility.)
I lost maybe 10 pounds over the summer when I cut out meat from my diet, maybe I should start that again to cancel out the buildup of bad foods.. Yeah, that's bad logic haha. Damn junk food, why must you be so tasty? Leave me be!!!

I can't stray from the sweets!

To feel so incredibly alone and helpless even when...

To feel so incredibly alone and helpless even when surrounded by a sea of people is absolutely the worst feeling there is.

I just wanna...

flip a fucking desk and say "Fuck it!"

My mood has progressively gotten worse in the course of one day. I'm just agitated and frustrated and I'm upset and I just wanna flip off anyone and everyone. If Jay and my major and my work and my friends and my roommate and everything else that's wrong were all somehow molded together into the shape of a desk, I'd flip if in an uproar and stomp the shit out of it. I'm just emotionally exhausted and I just wanna be done. With everything.

Why does life have to be so hard?
And I know that things could be far worse, but I'm struggling here.

I find it pathetic that I'm even considering how simple things would be if I just died. Or if the world really did end in a month. This stress is sinking me back into those depressive thoughts, NOT good -__-

7 Girls in Jay's Room at Midnight...

It's all movie and massages and too many dirty jokes from this one loud girl (my new enemy - or rather, girl I don't particularly like because she loves to talk about Jay and how hot he is and she loves to feel him up while giving massages and laying on his bed).

Sooooooo... with all these girls much prettier than me around, I realize that I don't stand a chance. I'm a "good friend" and that's all I will ever be. So much for that I guess.
Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh wishful thinking. Stupid me.
You know what? NO. Stupid Jay for not pursuing me.

I'm just discouraged and disheartened now. Great night, huh?

Innocence

Just give me a chance.

I feel pressured to say something extraordinary when you ask me "What's new in the life of Christina?" I feel like the most boring person on Earth when I answer "Nothing much". I don't find my life very interesting at all. If there's anything new and fun about it, it's you. So please don't write me off, don't forget me. Just ask me more specific questions about my life. I'll give you better answers. Trust me, I want to tell you all about my life. I want to learn all about yours too! Just.. spend a little more time with me, love. And I know that you'll find, love, that I WILL possess your heart.