Sweet Seventeen: Part IV

Okay, the end of my birthday weekend. Sunday. I woke up and tried to do some homework, but failed horribly. Later in the afternoon, I went over to Sushi's place as planned. We made brownies! We mixed some chocolate chunks and marshmallow pieces into it. We thought it'd come out to be a nice gooey chocolate treat, but instead of melting, the marshmallows inflated LOL. They left crunchy pockets of hardened goo. It looked horrible, but actually didn't taste that bad. The chocolate chunks made up for the hard marshmallows, definitely. So I spent some time with Sushi, that was fun. I saw some soft pornographic pictures of male asian pop stars lol! Just kidding. But seriously, the pole that guy was holding wasn't in a very appropriate place at all lol. And I watched a cute little 5 year old girl shakin her booty like all the girls of another J-pop group, which made me realize what the media of countries all over the world are doing to today's youth. And I also watched a video of the useless talent of putting tiny sneakers on ur fingers and making it look like a person breakdancing. Hahaha.
However, when I got home, I wasn't laughing at all. I was near my breaking point. I had pretty much given up on doing homework. There was just so much to do in such a little amount of time! (Oh! the woes of a procrastinator!)
I got so overwhelmed that I thought about ways I could get out of going to school. My main option was pretending to be sick. And I would've done it too, but I had a really important test the next day...

Overall, my birthday was pretty fun :)
One of my best yet!

Sweet Seventeen: Part III

Saturday. I woke up at 9:00 AM surprisingly. I called fiancee because we were supposed to go ice skating then pass at BCNC, but she was still sleeping so she canceled it (Awww! I really wanted to go too!). So I stayed home and helped my brother make lasagna for my karaoke party that was supposed to start at 4. At 1 we started driving around everywhere picking up supplies and people. One of my cousins, Saget, made a comment saying, "Who came up with this idea anyway? You know you're not gonna sing." I wanted to pop him in the face. That made me so mad. Like, yes, obviously I'm going to sing. I planned it. I'm the one who wanted to go there. If you don't want to sing, you can go home now. Sheesh.
She we finally left for Do Re Mi armed with lasagna, candy, cake, my balloon, and ready voices. It was a really long drive. We went through really interesting parts of Allston that I'd love to visit again. We got there and we sang. Journey, 30h!3, The Fugees, Spice Girls, Alien Ant Farm, Michael Jackson, Mariah Carey, etc. I had lots of fun :) Blake couldn't make it because she had an emergency, but I shall see her! I have to...
The cake my brother got was chocolate with chocolate frosting (he knows me so well lol). And it was from Stop and Shop lmfao! Goofy was right, it was really good.
We left and went home to find a prayer service in session (awkward!). So we headed to the basement and played Taboo (hate that game... but am a surprisingly good guesser). That was really fun too.
Then when all the cousins left, I watched the Pregnancy Pact on Lifetime lol. That movie was okay, def not the best I've seen. Those girls were stupid though, sighhh...
And I went to bed at like 1, I think. I didn't do any homework. Uh-oh. And I have to finish reading this book for a project that's due in class tomorrow. Crap. Oh well, at least I had a really good time :D And it's not over yet. I'm going to Sushi's place later. I'll tell you about it later ;)
Right now, I'm going to brush my teeth and all that jazz. Take a shower with that soap from fiancee's gift. Not the one that smells like cotton candy, it's a different one that's made with a whole bunch of citrus-y fruits. It smells really good too! It's sure to wake me up :)
Then I'm going to try to finish up some homework. And somewhere in between I might get that mani-pedi my mom said she'd take me to get. Whoo! This weekend was so much fun :) This was prob my best birthday yet, the fact that it was on a Friday may have helped too. Next year? I'm turning 18 on a Saturday. Now that's gonna be wild lol.

P.S. I still wanna see Legion. But now I wanna see To Save A Life too. That looks good. It came out on my birthday too!

Yay! I'm seventeen! Okay, now back to work... peace!

Sweet Seventeen: Part II

So what actually happened today? Let's see...
I woke up to find a giant balloon in the shape of a cupcake in my room that said happy b-day (courtesy of my older brother). That started my day off right, with a smile :D
Too bad it was too big to take to school lol. As I was getting dressed, twinn and Ninja 1 wished me a happy birthday on AIM :)
I left the house on time for the first time in months and caught my bus. Usually Sushi gets on at the stop down the street, but she wasn't there. Oh well. I still had an enjoyable ride knowing that I was early for a change. Then I got to school. Lots of people said happy birthday, even Brown Sugar when I sat down across from him! But when Goofy came to the table he didn't say a thing. He just put his head down to sleep... -_-
I was maybe just a little put down by that. Maybe so much that I had to write "just smile :)" on my hand to remind me not to get so disappointed or sad throughout the day. (I got that phrase from Goofy actually. Someone gave him that advice a while ago when he was feeling down. And apparently it worked for him. He just has to remind himself sometimes -- like maybe writing it on the back of his notebook? haha.) Yeah. So after breakfast when I was walking over to my locker, Goofy was walking with Brown Sugar and he said it, but I just stared at him for a sec then went upstairs. I don''t know why... Maybe I was still a little bothered at the fact that he didn't say it before. I'm so awkward when it comes to guys I like! sighhh...
Yeah, so the rest of the school day was okay. After school I went to eat pho with fiance, twinn, and Ninja 1. At first I was a little disappointed because fiance seemed sad or annoyed or something, like he didn't want to go and he was just bringing my good mood down. And the fact that "the others" were were waiting for Jerkie to go on another triple date didn't help at all. I listened to music and kept reading my palm the entire time we waited for Ninja.
We happened to be leaving at the same time as "the others". The girl Goofy likes invited me to go with them to the movies. Right. Like I want to be the seventh wheel. I'm sure she didn't mean to make me feel that way. Like I said, she's really nice, but that's how it would've felt to me anyway...
So we left and we ate pho (yummmm!). At one point, I observed my fiance and realized that I loved him lol. I told my twinn about it too. He's a genious, funny, caring, talented, very entertaining, etc. It just came to me, how much I cared about him :)
Then I met up with my fiancee (extra e, completely different person) at the Y. She was finishing her appointment and we talked with Joey. He's fun. Then we peppered a bit. We left for the movies but when we got there, we realized that we wouldn't be able to see Legion. I could see it because I'm seventeen now (woah! I can officially go to rated R movies on my own! yay!), but you have to be 21 to buy more than one rated R ticket and she's not seventeen yet. (At home when I told my brother what happened, he introduced the idea of getting others to buy the tickets for us to me. I never thought about that before lol.) And since it was opening day, she said that they'd be checking tickets so we wouldn't be able to sneak in. So we thought about going ice skating, but decided against it when we got there. Then she wanted to buy me a cake and we went to Finale because there weren't really any other places to go to. We stopped for ice cream on our way back to the Y. Ben & Jerry's. I asked about birthday discounts and surprisingly walked out with a big scoop of yummy Phish Food :D Next year, I'm going around to a bunch of different places and asking if they have birthday discounts lol.
At the Y, fiance talked with other Y staff while I talked to "Tim" and Byron and Saunders, basketball people. Jackie wished me a happy birthday and gave me a hug. Weird, because he's usually a jerk (not intentionally, but to be funny, you know? lol). He gave me a hug and told me he loved me hahah. Good stuff.... Then we went over to BCNC and peppered some more. That was fun. Goofy, Ironman, Dimples, and Yanyi were there. 9 o'clock came around (when the gym is supposed to close) and they were playing doubles while I was trying to get a shot in the basket with a basketball lol. Goofy told me that I should join the school's team when so obviously I sucked. But he said that they could teach me haha. He tried to give me some tips on how to shoot one lol.
So we stayed there for a good while. Before we left, I shot an awesome, strictly amazing basket without even trying :D Then we went back to the Y to eat my cake, which wasn't all that for its quality btw. There was a mild chocolate taste, but it was dry and really small for it's expensive price. We wanted to share it with the guys, but they knew not to eat it lol. Goofy said that the best cake around is Stop and Shop cake. "Just scrape off the first inch of frosting, and you're all set!" lmao.
Then fiancee and I went over to McDonald's to wait for her mom to pick us up. I got home safe and sound. I saw a box of Pizza Hut on the table and ate a couple slices lol. Before going to bed, I used the shower gel fiancee got me. It smelled really good! Like cotton candy... yummm. Finally, I fell asleep in front of my laptop lol. That was my birthday! I actually had a lot of fun. I can't wait to go on Facebook to see and reply to all the birthday wishes haha :)

Oh, one more thing. Fiancee and I were talking in McDonald's and she asked me if I still liked Goofy. I told her that it still hurts when I see him with the girl he likes. She said, "Honey, it's always gonna hurt." So now I'm thinking, maybe it's best if Goofy leaves. But how will I feel when he's gone? Will I get over him? Or will it stay the same? Will my heart always want him?

Carousel -- Paper Route; "I want you more than anything, just as you're leaving"

Sweet Seventeen: Part I

My brother was right, I do have high expectations. It happened at my little Christmas shindig and it happened again last night. Last night, I was so disappointed. All the plans that were supposed to happen were falling apart. I went into a mini-depression and all of sudden started thinking about who my real friends were. I thought, "Well, would a real friend wait until the last minute to plan something for my birthday because they forgot and were too lazy?" Pretty much everybody was busy or had already made plans so I thought that they weren't real friends who cared about me. But after thinking that, I felt even worse. Yes, some may not have cared, but at least a few did. At least a few friends cared enough to take me out and do things with me. At least he cared enough to go there after school and make the reservations right away.
Can you see how I constantly try to stay optimistic? I got to a point where I wanted to cry, but instead I forced myself to smile. I forced myself to think positive and be grateful for what I do have.
I fell asleep writing my feelings in a notebook. I was caught in the conflict between my impending depression and my desperate pursuit of happiness.

Accomplishments

I haven't been on Facebook for a straight nineteen days now.
I'm so proud of myself! I don't even miss it that much anymore :D (and that's how I know I had an addiction problem lol, when I missed it)
I asked my twinn how Facebook was nowadays and she said it was boring now. I assumed it was because I'm not on it anymore lol. Nice to know that I'm missed haha.
I asked my other friend Sushi about Facebook notes (because you know how there's a new chain of them like every other day lol). She told me that my friend (the one who I confessed to -- let's give him a name, shall we? I don't want to give away who he is because then my twinn will know that I had a crush on him, but oh well...), my fiance tagged us both in this random note about what he wants in a girl lol. So that was when I called him and asked about it (and later confessed). He said that he's been tagging me in random stuff lately so that when I signed back on to Facebook, I'd have like 1000 notifications lol. Thanks a lot haha.
Ummm, yea. Aside from that, I got a lot of work done over the long weekend :D
I went back to school today and during my 1st period study, I really didn't have anything to do. I was so proud of myself! If only I can keep this up. I'll be, like I said, where I want to be :)
Also, today, I bought a lot of stuff for other people. I'm thinking that it's because my birthday is coming up really soon. When people give me gifts, I feel like I have to get them something. It's like the Golden Rule to the extreme. I want lots of gifts and love so I give extra of that to other people lol. Or maybe it's just because I'm trying to get out of my procrastination phase. I still haven't gotten Christmas gifts or anything to anybody. Maybe I'm just makin up for that? Or maybe I'm giving other people gifts to see that excited, generally happy looks on their faces. It's sort of a treat for me. I love it, lol.

Did I mention it before? My goal in life is to be a humanitarian. I want to help others. Whether it be by finding cures to deceases and going into the biomedical science field to become a researcher in medicine, or becoming a pastry chef to bring people happiness with my desserts, or just giving people unexpected gifts to see the delighted looks upon their faces. I'd like to leave this world knowing two things: that I brightened someone's day each and every day and that somehow I will be remembered long after I'm gone. Because to me, helping someone can be as simple as making them smile :)

Love-ly

A little fact about me: I love Pon and Zi. They're just so darn cute! lol

I saw this picture and I thought, "I've never been in love with someone before, but I think this is what it feels like." Lol. Isn't it cute?!




I have so many more adorable pics of them, but I'm really lovin this one right now...

It wasn't that bad...

So. Real quick before I get my hair done.
After that last post, before I fell asleep that night, I was thinking about all my crushes and confessing to them. So yesterday I was talking to one of my friends on the phone. And it took a while to say it, but I did it. I told him that I had a crush on him a while ago. And maybe it's just the type of person he is or that he knows me well, but he took it very well. He just said "that's cool." I was scared for a little bit after that, but he made me laugh and we gradually moved on to another topic. Legit, my hands were shaking. I wanted to add more, say "I hope that doesn't change anything" or explain why I told him now, but I couldn't lol. I seriously was afraid to say anything. But that's okay because like I said, he took it well. And he had me laughing within minutes. I'm so glad he's my friend :)
Yeah. So it really wasn't that hard. But maybe that's just because I don't like him like that anymore. Or because he's a good friend of mine. Or... idk. The possibilities are endless. I'm sure confessing to Goofy won't be as easy, but I sorta used this as a practice run. It's just a few words. It can't be that hard, right? lol.
Let's see how things go with my other friend first ;)

I'm taking things one step at a time. One day, I'll get there, to where I want to be...

Why are Crushes Called Crushes?

"It's about telling someone how you feel regardless of what you get back, and not waiting to find out if they want you or not." --Elly Jackson

Also known as singer of the English band La Roux, Jackson was describing one of the band's songs In For The Kill during a radio show when she said this.
I saw that quote a week or two ago. It said something to me. It was like a message. Like I've said before, I've never told any of my crushes I liked them. And it makes me a little sad. I've never had the courage to confess. That's why I'm gonna change things this year. I'm pretty sure Goofy made up his mind about transferring. It's practically set. And yes, I know he still has a thing for another girl, but I gotta tell him. For myself. So I can move on. I'll write him a little letter (like my twinn did for her crush haha). I have the gist of the message in mind. I'm fairly sure he already knows that I like him. I just don't want anything to change after I tell him. I don't want anything to be awkward. I still want to be friends with him (not like he talks to me much anymore).
I'm thinking about saying that I don't like him anymore. That the crush happened a while ago, just to make it a little easier. I want to lie, but I think that'd defeat the purpose of confessing. I don't know. I don't know...
I'm scared. This is gonna be a big step for me. I really do like him, but he's not gonna give up chasing that other girl and I'm sure he doesn't like me back. I want him to be happy even if in the end, I get hurt. Sighhh...

Why are crushes called crushes? Is it because in the end you always end up getting hurt, getting crushed? That's what it seems like for me.

Tell me what you think! Write why you think crushes are called crushes in the comments below :)

Being 16 is Overrated

Seventeen days Facebook-free! Whoo!

Your sixteenth year of life is supposed to be one of the few that are special, life-changing, magical.
Yes, I had lots of fun in the past year. I did lots of new things. My sweet sixteen wasn't as awesome as I hoped it would be, but my family and friends (those that truly loved me) did things to make it special. To make me feel important. A sign was put up on my locker. I got an orange bag with a bunch of monkeys on it. My mom got me my favorite cake from the Cheesecake Factory. And the Gang took me out to go bowling.
What else? Throughout the year, I got into Mass Juniors. Planned an underground Easter egg hunt at school. Went to see a play at my school at night, Once Upon A Mattress (starring the handsome, talented Anthony). Planned those Asian History Month celebrations. Went to the movies multiple times. Was filled with pride at my brother's graduation... and partied all night long at the graduation party. Explored Newbury St. Started Ice Cream Fridays. Planned the White History Month celebration and baked my first apple pie for it (lol). Attended the seniors' graduation. Lead the Vermonster event. Partied. Ate at cookouts. Partied. Had sleepovers with my bestie. Went to the beach. The MFA. Volunteered. Had a rockin volleyball season. An amazing Spirit Day. Partied. Shopped. Partied. Partied. Partied. lol
I even talked on the phone with a few of my friends all night long (and I don't talk on the phone that much). I hung out with my friends A LOT. And I haven't gotten my permit yet, but I will... sooner or later.

But in summary, the past year has just been... another year haha. Yes, I had loads of fun, and I'm more experienced. I became a little more assertive. I grew up, but nothing especially life-changing has occurred yet. No mystery person has waltz into my life yet.
Towards the end, my year sorta sucked. I got my heart broken by a few certain people. A few key people that mean oodles to me. And it hurts. A lot. I'm waiting for something to change this around. I'm waiting for something to happen to pull me outta my growing teenage depression. It has to happen. Because with every down comes an up. I'm trying to be optimistic. Maybe I should take a step and do something to change things on my own. Or maybe fate has other plans in mind. Anyway, the start of the year wasn't all that great, but that just means that the end of the year will be all the more awesome. And with my birthday coming up soon, things are bound to turn around ;)

Sometimes, being sixteen ain't that green. But in all the things that I did, I did them for myself. So I guess sixteen is just the year when you take a stand and start to be independent. I mean, I wouldn't have such a great bond with my twinn if I didn't start talking to her.
With that, now I wanna know... what's seventeen all about?

My Purpose

A quick explanation before I finally start my homework...
The reason I started this blog was to keep myself occupied. One of my New Year's resolutions is to not sign on to Facebook for a month (odd how that month had to be January, my birth month). So instead of signing on to Facebook when I get home from school, I'll be writing a blog. Also, I think it's a good way to calm myself, I guess. It's nice to write out my feelings (and I don't have to do it manually in a journal). Even better, though people can read what I write, I doubt they will. And there's an even smaller chance that they will be someone I know! It all works out! lol
Okay, that's it. I'm so proud of myself! 12 days Facebook-free :)
I'll keep you updated ;]

Ahh, the Hopeless Romantic: Part III, Goofy

In the time that I realized that Rayshawn was an asshole up til now, I had a few small crushes here and there. The two most significant began last year.
First, Goofy. I was infatuated with him! n_n<3
He was funny and cute and had a great personality and oh, so much more... But during the volleyball season, he had a huge crush on this senior girl on the team. So though I liked him, I slowly let him go because I didn't want to get hurt watching him flirt with her.
Sometime after Goofy, I met Anthony. He stole my heart instantly. Being absolutely serious, he was the hottest piece of Asian I'd ever seen lol. It all happened at a game one day. I was sitting by myself then he came over said hi and gave me a hug. I fell in love with his hug first (it was so full of passion!) then I noticed how perfect he was :)
Perfect in everyway... except for his height. Like I said before, I'm tall (6"). Unfortunately Asians tend not to come in my size haha. But it was okay at the time; his personality was my main focus. I wanted to be around him all the time because he had this aura about him. But to my dismay, in a short couple of months, he started going out with the same girl who Goofy had a crush on (I guess she's just got game). I was crushed at first, but though it hurt, I saw that they really loved each other. And there was nothing I could do about that so I moved on.
This year, soon after the start of the volleyball season, I realized that I still had those feelings for Goofy. And they hit me more than ever this time. I still remember the first time he hugged me after a game... <3
And after the season, somehow I got to know him better, understand his situation. He talked to me. According to a mutual friend, he considered me one of his best girl friends, which was fine with me. Just as long as I got to be around him because I knew that nothing would ever happen between us. (Sure, friends can tell you "you never know," but in reality, it's true. You know when something has potential to work and when it doesn't. Goofy, like all the other guys I've crushed on, will never be mine.) Then he told me the unfortunate news that he had a crush on some other girl on the team . I can't hate her. I know her, she's nice. I gotta give her props. She got game too. (I guess there's a secret to winning this game that I'll never know.)
I still like him, really like him. But lately he's been getting distant. Maybe it's his own problems, but I can't help but think that he found out about my crush. Maybe he doesn't want to be around me anymore because he thinks it'll be awkward. Maybe I told too many people...

So that's the end of my hopeless romance stories for now.
One important thing though, he might transfer out of the school, which will break my heart. But whether he does or he doesn't, I swear, I will confess. He will be the first guy I've ever confessed to. My heart's beating fast, and I only thinking about it lol <3

Ahh, the Hopeless Romantic: Part II, Rayshawn

Thinking about my first story, I realize that I beat myself up a little too much over that. It was elementary school for Pete's sake! I shouldn't have been in a relationship anyway. Luckily, I'm over it now. Still, no matter how far away he is, no matter what he's doing, Shannon will still be labeled in my heart as my first crush :)
Moving onnnn...
This next tale takes place when I was in middle school. I had a big crush on this guy Rayshawn. (To this day, I still have no idea what I saw in him. He... sighhh. Forget it. I can't explain how bothered I am right now, haha.) So, my best friend was good friends with him because they had a lot of the same classes together. All through 6th grade coninuing through the 7th, my feelings for him thrived. Until one day in the 7th grade, I realized that my best friend was going out with him. I was utterly shocked. She had talked about meeting with him in the stairwell and somehow it hit me. During lunch, I talked to her trying not to reveal my frustrations. I kept asking her, "Why didn't you tell me?" And maybe it was that special bond that we had or just that she knew me too well, but somehow she figured out that I liked him. She felt bad. And I felt bad for making her feel bad. She told me that our relationship was more important than any guy and she broke up with him. I was against it because I didn't want to mess up her relationship. I mean, I could handle it, it wasn't that bad, but she wouldn't listen to me. I love her for that. She cared so much about me... too bad I messed it all up.
She still liked Rayshawn, she told me repeatedly for years to come, but they never got together again (no matter how hard he tried). And I continued to like him... until the 8th grade when he seriously pissed off my best friend. Then I saw the light and realized that he was a waste of my 2 years of affection.
In summary, Rayshawn was a pig and though it took me a while to figure it out, I'm glad I finally did. And through that experience, I found out that my best friend truly cared about me, that she loved me. Another fail for a crush, but a huge gain in a friendship.
Love you Blakey <3

Ahh, the Hopeless Romantic: Part I, Shannon

My experience with boys has been fairly limited. In all my years, I've never had a boyfriend and I'm okay with that. I don't mind being single. From what I can see with my coupled friends and ex-coupled friends, being in a relationship causes a lot of problems anyway. But when crushes factor into the equation, it's a completely different matter. There have only been a few main guys that I've fallen for. Let's see here. There was Shannon in elementary school. That's a good story.
In the 4th grade, we were in the same class. We sat next to each other and we were pretty good friends. Sure, we were different races. Sure, I was taller than him (I'm taller than most of the guys I meet), but none of that mattered. I really really liked him *blush* Every year for the summer he went to France and that's where the sad tale begins. It was on one of the last days of school. We were watching a movie in class (we sat near the back). We were talking then all of a sudden he said something that went along the lines of "sure, they're nice, but they don't compare to you." I wasn't really sure about what he was saying, but I told him that he could tell me again after school. So the bell rang and I started going to the bathroom. I was right in front of the door when he called my name. I turned around and he flat out said it: "I like you." I gotta give him props. He had a lot of guts, unlike me who just said "Oh, okay." Pathetic, isn't it? After that, I turned and went into the bathroom.
I just ruined everything. So for the next couple of days before he left the country, I didn't say anything. I was too shy, like I still am to this day. All throughout the summer, I thought about him. I kept thinking about what could have been, what could have happened if I had just spoken up. Then, the next year in the 5th grade, I saw him and my heart jumped yet again. I told only a few people about my feelings for him and what happened. One person (who I now realize was a horrible choice for a confident) happened to be a loudmouth. She kept bugging me about it and offering to tell him for me until one day I just said yes. So she told him and guess what he said? He said that he just wanted to be friends. I should've known. He probably got over me over the summer or found another girl or something. I was crushed, but I somehow I knew it would never happen.

To this day, I have never told any of my crushes that I liked them. Also, I realized that Shannon was the only guy who admitted that he liked me, I still love him for that :)
But nowadays, I know to choose who I confide in very carefully. That's a very important lesson of life...