Where do I see myself in 5 years?

I don't know. In some place where I'm happy, I hope.

Just One Kiss?

It's crazy the things I imagine doing with this kid. He'd prob never talk to me again if he knew. Sigh, if only we got a little bit closer, if only I could close that gap between our bodies, if only we could hold each others' hands, if only I could stare into his eyes as we rolled around on a bed all night long… If only he didn't already have a girlfriend.

It's always the same. Just friends, if that. They will never get to see all I can be, all I can give, all we can do, if only they let me break down the high walls of my flooded heart. Emotions, thoughts gushing and overflowing but there's nowhere for them to go. I'll just drown here in my misery under the weight of this crush while you go off and give her one more kiss.

The sad life of a hopeless romantic.

When you come home from work only to snap and start crying uncontrollably... that's when you know you need to either take a break or get a new job.

Confession

I think my biggest fear is that I will die the same way I lived - with my thoughts locked away in my mind. I fear that I will never be open. I fear that I'll never be able to speak my mind freely with another person, that I'll never have someone know my life story. I fear that I'll never have made a difference in a single person's life by the time I leave this world. That's what scares me: feeling like just an insignificant speck on the face of the planet whose life was utterly indifferent to the world.

Dawn Penn - You Don't Love Me (No, No, No)

The sad truth...

Calvin Harris - Thinking About You (ft. Ayah Marar)

I finally looked at my grades today and...

I got an A, two A-'s, and one B+.

That's literally the best my transcript has seen since I've started college 2 years ago. Granted, I did take a bunch of easy classes. I tried in Stats. Luckily I got an easy professor who scaled the crap out of everything. Psych of Personality was a joke - they got a retired professor to come in and reach for his colleague who had recently passed away. I didn't learn anything. And for Philosophy I got the nicest professor who just so happened to have, as my brother calls it, "white guilt". Because he grew up in the south and had seen raw prejudice with his own eyes, I feel as though I got "brownie points". He always kept me after class to ask for my opinion or make sure I was comfortable with the topics covered in class. He was extra... careful, and just the sweetest old guy. I never submitted a final paper but I got an A anyway. I feel extremely bad about it because though I told him that I'd accept a 0 for the paper (procrastination and stress had gotten to me, I just didn't have the will in me to finish it), he told me that I was an extremely bright student and that I should just turn in whatever I had - which I still never did. I have no idea how I got an A but I know I didn't deserve it. Especially since it was a Philo class about Ethics, I feel awful about it...
And of course the only class I really enjoyed and learned from was Art, which I loved.

I don't know. I'm glad my grades are great - my mom will finally get off my back about them. But I feel like I didn't really accomplish much. Socially, I branched out a lot. I went to counseling and learned a lot about myself. I've come a long way since last year, for sure. But academically, I feel like I'm still not all there. I question a lot why I'm in college, why I attend those classes that don't stimulate me (with the exception of a select few). I know the answer, but I don't know if I have the whole-hearted motivation to continue. Either way, my parents will push me to get that degree. That's all they want.

Still, at the end of the day, all that really matters is what I want. That's something I'm still trying to figure out for myself.

Tiesto - Pair of Dice

I might just do something rash.

Updates first:
I gave Larry my "I find you to be very attractive" card. It was probably the most nerve-racking, most embarrasing, hardest thing I've had to do by far this year. Aside from that Miss pageant.

I'm slowly dying on the inside having to write this paper for Philosophy. I procrastinated way too much. It's not even that bad, just 6 pages, but I literally can't wrap my head around it. I know what I'd like to say, I just can't type it out in complete sentences. I fucking hate this. And it makes me wonder if I'm the problem, if maybe I shouldn't be in school...

My new favorite song is "Crave You" by Flight Facilities. It sums up my love life perfectly... Take a listen!

 And finally, I'm getting sick of my roommate. She's getting on my nerves. Thank goodness I get to leave in 2 days.. Not that I want to leave. If it were up to me I'd keep living on campus and not go home and just... kick her out.

 Now, the main point of this post. This morning before my final I ate breakfast with 3 friends, 2 girls and my friend Parker. One of the girls admitted to me that she had a "baby crush" on Parker earlier, which is fine I thought, but when I saw them interact in person today I couldn't stand it. Parker has a girlfriend and my friend has a boyfriend so I shouldn't be phased but they were walking together making little jokes back and forth and it made me upset. If, somehow, they end up dating I will be pissed. Why, you ask? Because that would just prove to me that the guys I like will never choose me because of my race. My friend and I are pretty similar: quiet, sarcastic,etc. Granted, it could just be because she's shorter and probably way better at flirting than I am (a bit more open), but I feel like Parker or any other white guy in general would choose her over me simply because she's white and I'm black. And that's not right..
Of course, this is all just in a hypothetical situation though. For now I'll let it slide.
Why do I get so upset at these things? :\

Miming

I swear it's like I'm not even using my voice sometimes.
I talk but no one ever hears me. I never thought that I mumbled or that I was too soft-spoken, but apparently it's true. If I had a nickel for every time someone asked me to repeat myself, I'd probably be rich.
It's so frustrating!! How did I end up this way? I mean, I might as well not be saying anything at all to save time.

But if I were mute, I'm sure people would be listening then, right?

I dressed up in an insanely cute outfit today - I even dared to wear heels! (I live on a very hilly campus so that means a lot.) But I didn't even get to see him today D: He won't get to see how nice I look today because I'm working all night! Sigh, wasted efforts on a hopeless crush...

It's that time of the year again!

Finals! Which means no sleep, staying up all night, banging out last minute papers right before they're due, stressing out, and writing posts about how I've come to this point in my life. Though, let's be honest, we all know the answer to that question.... procrastination!

I honestly have no idea how I pass any classes. Being completely honest, I never actually do any real work. I haven't written a serious paper in... months. And that doesn't make the fact that I have to finish a 6 page paper by Thursday any better. I procrastinate all the time. It's becoming a problem. I'm pretty much just getting by with as minimal amount of effort possible. It's so sad.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I just stopped it all and dropped out. I'd be working at some lame job I hate going to and I wouldn't be happy. Then again, is it that much different from how I feel now? If I drop out I'll be living at home for a very very very long time. But I guess at least in school I can live away from home. And I'll graduate with a piece of paper that doesn't really do much. (Honestly, what can you do with a Bachelor's degree in Psychology nowadays? Not much.) At least I'll secure myself with a job that pays a lot more than anything I would've gotten with just a high school diploma. Besides, I've come to realize that college, for me, is a time of new experiences. Academics aside, I've done so much that I will never forget. I'm glad I'm here mainly for that reason. Now my goal for the rest of my time here is to realize my true potential, realize that I have to work for it, and graduate glad and proud of all my accomplishments.

That's my goal.... I wonder, will I ever be able to reach it?

It's the truth :(

When you have a dream in which you're angry and frustrated, and you wake up feeling the same way, as if it actually happened.

I just woke up from a very disappointing dream.
It started off with me reading the status of my crush Larry on Facebook. It said something along the lines of "When the person you want the most leaves before you can talk to them. Christina." Now, a few days ago I noticed that he was at an event I went to on campus (I got super excited, of course), but I left before him after it ended because my friend was embarrassing me by calling out his name (eventhough he was all the way across the "auditorium", I was still worried he might hear).

Anyway, so in my dream I read his status and got really excited  because I thought he was talking about me. Some other girl named Christina commented on it, but somehow I just knew he was talking about me.

So the next day out of the blue some guy proposes to me. (This guy is not Larry by the way, he's some other guy around campus I've seen who I find to be really cute. Maybe my subconscious mind couldn't depict Larry correctly, maybe it was a completely separate dream, I don't know...) I said yes and we took a day trip out to somewhere to elope. We came back to school and we were hanging out and I was so happy, it was amazing. Except it felt like he was holding back, like there was something bothering him.
So I tried talking to him. I sat on his lap, stared into his green eyes and asked what was wrong. He tried to cover it u[ but eventually it all came out. "Why me? Why do you like me?" I didn't understand and I told him just the way he was, every bit of him. Then he said, "It makes everything so complicated." The cat broke loose from the bag, "I know, but I had to ask for permission. Why did you have to choose me?" Apparently, he had to ask permission from some woman of president-like status in the school if he could marry me, and our marriage was single taboo event of the entire campus.
I was shocked and upset. It seemed as though he didn't really love me as I loved him. So we fought.
Eventually I walked  away and got in an elevator going up to my floor. And guess who was in there? The president lady. She said, "What can you expect? These types of things were never meant to last." And by "things" she meant interracial relationships. I got sooooo mad! I told her that studies show that interracial relationships actually last longer that single-race relationships. So she asked for my source but of course I didn't have it. She said, "I should've never granted that boy's request and allowed this to happen."
It was awful. She was telling me that my marriage was a mistake. I finally got out the elevator, angrier than ever. My husband, "Justin" happened to be there. He tried to console me and apologize, but I wouldn't let him touch me. I asked him, "Was this all even real? Or was it just a stupid little social experiment?" He had no response so I left.

It was a very upsetting dream. I woke up extremely mad and it took me a few minutes to realize that it was just a dream and that I didn't have any real reason to be angry.
But I wonder, is that really the reason why guys I like (those of a different race) don't pursue me? Am I not attractive to them or is it just considered taboo that they should like me? What's the problem? I'd like to know. It's times like these that really discourage me. I may just end up alone for the rest of my life. Yaaaaaay... -__-

I posted this next to the elevator in my residence hall today.

One act of kindness at a time, maybe one day I can change the world...

Matt & Kim - It's Alright

This song is my new feel-good anthem :) They're songs are pretty fun, me likey!

Ink Work

I finally got around to painting today and I used to ink to make this in my sketchbook. I was inspired by Lora Zombie :)

About That Time.

It's one in the morning and I just want to go to bed.
But my roommate decides that she wants to skype her new boy-interest in the room... with no headphones. Like shut the fuck up and go to sleep. I know we both have fucking 8:30's in the morning. Stop yelling at your computer screen.

This is ridiculous.

Sick

I'm over here sweating through my clothes with a fever, struggling to not snap because of my sore body and headaches and you seem to be the loudest, most inconsiderate person I've ever met on the face of this planet. No, just keep slamming things, Roomie, I'll be alright. -_-

Allergies are a bitch.

Seriously, it hit me like a brick wall and all I wanna do now is stay in bed under my covers, and hide. My body aches, my nose is stuffy, my throat is itchy, my eyes are watery, I don't want to do anything -_-

The Power of Family

This is a revised memoir I wrote back in October 2008 about my grandparents and their old house. I took the first draft I wrote, Nostalgia House, and turned it into a story. Enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today is a special day. It’s Papa Joe's birthday. I don't know exactly how old he’s turning, but it’s definitely a high number. Most grandpas don’t get to reach the ages that mine has. My mom, who is making final adjustments to her hair, is just about ready. I had, as accustomed, been sitting on the toilet seat watching as she unnecessarily applied makeup to her already beautiful face. I follow her as she and her heels click down the stairs. The rest of my family, my Dad, my brother Malcolm, and my sister Dinah, are in the kitchen waiting. My mom opens the door and we follow her outside and into the car in line like good little ducklings. I am squished in the back between Malcolm and Dinah as always. The baby of the family never seems to get the window seat. The sleek black car slowly creeps out of the driveway and onto the main road. We turn into the long, winding street surrounded by a sea of gravestones. We have been down these roads leading to Gran and Papa Joe’s house so many times. Almost instantly I find that we are climbing up the hill of Westmore Road. I look around at all the houses I’ve seen almost 100 times before. I smile as I see familiar faces and cars in the distance next to that big white and green two-family house. Daddy parks across the street and we make our way into the old memorable home exchanging hugs and planting soft kisses on cheeks. It seems like a thousand creaky stairs to the top, but we get there at last.
The door at the top is wide open, as if the whole house is inviting us in. We make our way through the rooms all mapped with loud, creaky hardwood floors and clustered with people giving our hellos only to end up in our little groups. In the kitchen, Gran helped by a couple of my Aunts are finishing up cooking a meal. There’s an opening to a miniature, closet like room to the right of the stove. Here the sink lies half full with the dishes used to make the big meal. The spices and such are stored in small cabinets. Back in the main part of the kitchen, the refrigerator stands tall beside the left wall. So many times before have I played with its colorful magnets. Next to it hangs a lonely window often unnoticed. On the far wall is a mysterious door that leads down to the back door and a labyrinth of basement halls. I was once so excited to finally go down those dark stairs behind. Straight ahead next to the right wall rests a worn wooden table draped with a colorful plastic cover. Grandpa often sat there listening to the radio on other days. Now, other adults, some of my many relatives, sit in the chairs at the table holding a conversation. In the next room, the guest bedroom, a baby usually slept or an elder was giving a minor stern words of advice. In the main room, also called the dining room, there is a big table, a case holding precious plates to the right, and two big windows half hidden by some of the many chairs around. Other adults relax and slip into various bubbling conversations. All the younger generation of kids and teenagers including Malcolm, Dinah, and I gather in the living room. We sit on the big beige couches or in one of the chairs in the corner. We sit in a loose circle around the rectangular wood and glass coffee table talking about school or funny memories. There are a few windows covering the far wall giving a view of the street. Several small tables hold up shapely lamps. A TV in a wooden case moodily sits unused for a big portion of the evening. There are enormous jigsaw puzzles finished by Papa Joe and my now deceased uncle Anthony some long time ago hung carefully in plastic along the walls. The second guest bedroom, to the left, is mostly still and dark. I don’t know why, but people don’t really go in there. As the night lengthens, we mill around and eat delicious homemade food. People go in and out of the small, single, blue tiled bathroom throughout the night. I end up wandering into Gran and Papa Joe’s room. I marvel at the wall of piled suitcases which cut the room in half wondering for the millionth time why they’re there. I walk around the bed to get a look at the things Gran has posted on the wall. I fill with joy and pride knowing that she kept her birthday gift from me (a picture of me) hanging on the wall for all to see. I walk back around towards the door, but sit on their bed ogling at all the knick-knacks scattered atop their dresser. I know that in one of those drawers Papa Joe keeps a stash of savory strawberry candies he gives out whenever his grandchildren come for a visit. I turn on their TV, joined by a few cousins, and watch quietly waiting for the cake. No one yells or tells us to get out.
Out the corner of my eye I see Mommy surrounded by some Aunts come from the kitchen with a glowing square in her arms. We all hurry into the main room just before the singing starts. With all of us packed in that one room, I swear the sense of love and togetherness and family can be felt a mile away. Papa Joe blows out the candles. A champagne bottle is popped and some sticky fizz is spilled on his head, as tradition calls for in out family. Loud claps vibrate the air. The cake is cut. Everyone in the room has a genuine smile on. Jokes are made, laughter is shared. In the two hours afterwards, cake is eaten and tin foil is passed around for people to take food home. Relatives slowly drip out the door one clan at a time. When it's our turn to leave, I give Gran and Papa Joe each a hearty hug and a warm kiss. I wave bye to the remaining family and walk down the countless creaky stairs. We load into the car and I stare out the window feeling the all-around good vibe of the car as we drive home. Every time I spend time with my grandparents, they teach me important life lessons, whether they know it or not. They teach me how to love and that family should mean good times and being yourself.

Last Night

Lol I love my friends.

I have a plan.

I'll leave him be for a while. If he wants to talk to me again, then great!

If not, then I'll go to him. And demand to know just one thing: "Tell me, do you still want to be my friend?"

I don't expect an explanation, I know what I did. But I just need to know... if I've completely ruined what we had, or if there's still a chance that I can get my good friend back.



Jeez, why does that sound so... needy?
And I know damn well that even though I planned this all out, it won't go the way I hoped. It never does. That's life, I guess. 

I had a dream.

That my other guy friends were protecting me. They would come distract me whenever Peter came around. They were protecting me from getting hurt, being sad. It was adorable. I was also a commuter or something because I went back home after class one day. And Peter called me. We had a long convo about how he wanted us to take a trip to Haiti and adopt a little girl, hopefully together. He obviously was no longer giving me the silent treatment. We talked for a while on the phone. He kept asking me questions about my background. It was as if he wanted to get to know me better, as if he actually liked me back. It was a good dream. It made me VERY happy :)

Too bad in real life he's still not talking to me. I miss him, I miss my good friend! :(
What have I done?

I fucked it up.

Why do I always mess this up? Why can't I just be friends with a guy? I sent a text and may have lost a good friendship because of it. Why did I have to confess and tell him my feelings? :(
Why couldn't I just let it go?
Stupid stupid stupiiiiid.
Now he's avoiding me.
Stupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupid
I could've just held it in and not said anything and gotten crushed by my crush, as usual.
But I didn't.
And now I think I've lost a friendship. Great.

But that's how I learn, right?
Next time I know not to overthink things and just hold back my feelings and never let the guy know how much I really like him. Now I know.
Rule one in relationships: Keep your trap shut.

I am way too nice.

I bought someone (a friend I honestly don't know that well - an acquaintance, really) a full bag of snickers minis because his birthday was yesterday. Was it because I felt bad for having seen him 3 times earlier that day without having said happy birthday to him? Or was it because I think all birthdays should be celebrated? Either way, I realized after giving it to him that I am just way too nice. Granted, it felt awesome to hear that "it was the best gift he'd gotten" after giving it to him, but I really didn't have to get him anything.

I'm just way too nice.

Sad Realization

I've come to the realization that I will never be a model because I don't have a pretty face. I'm not beautiful. It'll never happen.

I Fear Rejection

I fear being unliked, being unattractive.
It's seeded in the fact that not one guy has tried to pursue me,
that at this stage in life I've yet to be in a single relationship,
in any sort of intimate encounter at all.
Its roots run deep,
way back to my insecurities
about my appearance,
my outlandish features.
What little confidence and self-esteem I give off
is built on a web of lies.
I doubt myself.
I wonder what's wrong with me.
I hold back my feelings and long from afar,
never relaying my thoughts to my crushes
out of fear that I'd be cast off.
Because I desperately fear the day that someone will hurt me so much that I won't be able to
recover.

My First Paper Route Concert!

 

I had an AMAZING time last night.

Even though I  ate some UBurger before the concert and felt nauseous the entire time, I had a fantastic time.

After Paper Route performed they stood around their merch table meeting with fans and talking with people.

I met and hugged the lead singer JT!

He told me that I was "by far his favorite out the crowd tonight".

Then he signed my CD with a doodle and a heart and his name. 

I swear, my Spring Break couldn't get any better.

I'm going to the next concert in May, I can't wait. Maybe next time I'll get a pic with them :)

I love this picture.

I have the biggest crush on this guy named Larry at my school.

He's a year older than me and I find him to be the finest piece of man around haha.

He's tall, he's smart, he's friendly, and he's got a good head on his shoulders.

He was crowned Mr. FSU of our school last year.

The only reason he knows my name is because I ran for Miss FSU back in December and won 3rd runner up. Performing in front of a crowd on stage was fun and all - a great experience; but the most exciting part of that night was when it was all over, when I gathered some courage and asked him to take a picture with me.

I love this picture.

And he doesn't even know.

Awful Stories

For some reason my mom thinks that I, a dog lover, would enjoy listening to a bunch of stories about how owners have wrongfully killed their dogs...

Why, mom? WHY?
 D':

Drinking with the broski...

I know I'm over thinking things but let me update you real quick.
Tonight my brother and I went to visit our cousins who live down the street. Calzone, uno, jenga, moscato... It was fun. We tried to play 13 (a Vietnamese card game) but none of us knew the rules for sure and my brother didn't believe us when my cousin and I said he couldn't do a certain move. So while he googled the rules, I decided to ask one of my Viet friends - Jay haha. He didn't know how to play, but we had a text convo about spring break and kings (the drinking card game) and how he should have a few drinks for me on Friday at his birthday party. He replied with this:

"I will x] next semester let's have fun!!! I'm not your RA, but your friend okay!?!?! Will mean a lot to me"

Again, I know I'm overthinking this but.. doesn't that sound like he means something more? Like he wanted to hang out and do stuff this year but couldn't because of his position? Idk. I guess we really are just friends. Or at least that's what I've reduced our relationship to (after not really talking to him for those few weeks after my embarrassing drunken vomiting night..).
If anything I made it more clear that we're just friends by saying of course, but that he'll have to help a FRIEND out and give me a ride haha.
Whatever, I'm over him. He's a great guy, but it's better that we're just friends, ya know? Besides, I'm down to party anytime. Especially next year when I'll be 21. And he'll be a graduate with a car. It just sounds like an all around good time lol. I can't wait.

Home.

What's the first thing I do when I get home for Spring Break?

Lay down on the couch, watch some Netflix, and take a nap.
<3

But I must admit that on the ride over here my thoughts kept wandering to him. To the fact that I won't see him for over a week, that I won't hear his laugh or see his smile or the glint in his pretty eyes, that I won't be able to just be around him. I thought of what he was doing at that moment and realized that he probably wasn't thinking of me because he was with her.
This week off should be a good thing. Maybe it'll take him off my mind..

Have a good week, all!

He just made my day.

I haven't been in a very good mood since last night but one stranger's compliment not too long ago definitely made my day. I walked into my residence hall and he said to me "You always look so nice when I see you. Last night your outfit looked great." How nice! Especially considering the fact that I felt like crap and thought I looked disgusting today.

His words made me feel amazing.
If only everybody gave another person a compliment every single day. The world would be a slightly better place.

Imagine Dragons - Rocks

My new, new favorite :) lol

I have no idea what I'm doing...

I had to go all the way to New York...

But it was totally worth it. I have my Twizzlers!!! I'm happy :D

My Favorite at the Moment

Imagine Dragons - Amsterdam <3

I can't express how much I love their album "Night Visions".. :D

Peter Parker

I like him. I do.

Happy Women's Day!!!

Eating pizza in the middle of the night like a bawssss. That's college life for ya.

Isolated Insomnia

I'm having one of those nights where I want to stay up all night long not doing much of anything other than surfing the internet, fall asleep during the sunrise, skip my classes, and just avoid everyone. I don't want to talk. I don't want to see any familiar faces. I want to isolate myself, I want to be alone. I'm not in a good mood at all. I just want to stay up all night and try to fight away the bad feelings (it probably wouldn't work, but it's a distraction, it's worth a shot). I don't quite know what happened. But I came back from work and I just hated the sight of everyone. There's something seriously wrong with me.

And I'm actually considering following through with my plan too... sigh...

And I'm very tempted to eat this 2.5 pound bag of M&M's I bought at work today.
Tonight is just not a good teeth for my teeth or my social skills or my mental state or my health and well-being as a whole, smh.

I also bought the Imagine Dragons album yesterday and it is AMAZING. Best buy of the day (sorry Passion Pit).

Gossamer

I was having a bad day so I did a little bit of shopping therapy.
:)

My new favorite dessert at the Cheesecake Factory.

The Godiva Brownie Sundae.
Mmmmmmmm...

Sticky Situation

I'd been saving this 2" bubblegum ball since the summer and I finally ate it last night. I could barely talk with it in my mouth, I got lightheaded trying to blow bubbles, and my I now have a sore jaw (it hurts when I open my mouth wide), but it was totally worth it... sort of haha.

Just watched three movies in a row with some of my closest friends.

Eventful Saturday night :)

A club I'm in had a table about Operation Beautiful today and I was feeling proactive so I made more out of my own free time and posted them around my Residence hall. Tell me why I found one ripped up on the floor of the elevator. What heartless asshole would ruin a perfectly sweet message that has the ability to brighten up at least one person's day? I don't know. Sometimes I seriously have doubts about people's intentions. That was just completely fucked up and uncalled for, smh. :(

Detached, Part II

I just love how we don't talk anymore and I'm not invited to go party with you. Throwed, those 18+ parties I've been wanting to go to foreverrrrrr. I would love to go, but it's fine that I'm not.
I probably brought this upon myself. The distance I initiated, all the times I avoided talking to her. I did it all myself. To myself. Why? I thought I'd be better off. And now I'm just... a little unhappy. That I'm missing out. That because I don't talk to her, I feel detached and like an outsider now.

How quickly things like this change...


Well, on the plus side, last night I had a dream about Jimmy and I finally getting together. Well, we hooked up and made out. It was reeeeaaaallly nice ;) But then he went to go get something and.. never came back. Great. I'm getting abandoned even in my dreams...

Today has probably been the longest day of my life...

Today has probably been the longest day of my lifeeeee. Way too many meetings and shit. -_-

Sitting next to two girls in art class who spend 2...

Sitting next to two girls in art class who spend 2 whole hours talking about their boyfriends. Omg stop. Stfu please.

I hate nights like these. When I feel unimportant and unnoticed, like I'm not ever here. When Holly R gets more action that I do and she's been picked on the entire night. I'm drunk or tipsy or whatever and I'm upset. It's unfair. I don't want to be here. I should be somewhere in Europe, where color of skin isn't an issue. I want to leave. I.. don't belong...

If I were being completely honest...

I'd say that I'm not okay with her hanging out with him. I named my teddy bear after him, for God's sake! She should know that when I say I'm over him, I'm really not. I'm not comfortable with them hanging out. And I realized not too long ago that probably the only reason why he's been acknowledging my existence more now is because he wants to get closer to her.
She's gorgeous, no doubt about it. I can try to boost up my self-esteem and say that I'm not so bad-looking myself, but let's be real. I'm nothing compared to her. None of the guys I like ever pay me any mind. Not her, she could literally have any guy she wants. But she wants him. Funny, because not too long ago she said that she was over her little crush on him, that he's not attractive at all. That was before when she had a boyfriend. And now? Well, now she's on the lookout for a new guy. Or maybe a play toy, I don't know. I'm not comfortable with it.

But you know what? After that incident two Thursdays ago I'm not that close to her anyway. So I don't care. I'm okay with it, with them. I'm fine, really.

Andy Grammar - Keep Your Head Up

I literally just lay there in my bed for three minutes listening to my very loud alarm go off. I feel really bad for my roommate :( I had a dream about my alarm going off and I couldn't - didn't wake up to turn if off. I'm horrible haha.

Petula Clark - Downtown

Oh, the 60's...

Netflix on a Sunday Night

Just finished watching An American Crime. And now I'm watching The Boy in the Striped Pajamas. Why am I watching these depressing movies? Sigh..

Long Weekend

 Watching Spongebob on Netflix. Rock bottom is the funniest episode hands down lmao.

Dreamcatcher

In my sketchbook.

I love art.

Flirting on Facebook?

How do you start getting to know an acquaintance you've recently added to your friends on Facebook? He's so cute! And nice. And he's smart and tall and so perfect! But he's also going to study abroad in Italy in a month... How do I start talking to him? Say happy Valentine's day? My friend said to say "We're both tall, we'd make amazing babies." yea.. Not happening.

My Valentine(s)

I really felt the love this year.

It was good.

Last Night

Last night/this morning I threw up for the first time in around 12 years. It wasn't that I overdrank - I had less than what I usually do actually. I just drank on an empty stomach. Bad idea. But my friends stayed and helped take care of me. They are amazing. (And these are the friends that I've recently started hanging out with just this week, not my supposed "Clang Clang" friends...) I know I was sorta freaking out because of my (now past) phobia of vomiting, but they were awesome for staying with me. It's times like those that really show you who your true friends are...

Jimmy showed up was asked to be in the room and I really regret that decision now. I tried to apologize in person and he wasn't in his room so I sent a text message but he still hasn't replied to it. Why must I fuck things up? Smh. And I had a drunken conversation with Frank-o-bean for maybe 2 hours. Greeeeeeaaaaat.

Oh yeah. And I was asked if I was A-sexual yesterday too. What fun.

Still Smiling During Snowstorm Nemo!

My friend Steph and I went out and started sledding with bin tops. It was awesome.

I mean, You Only Live Once, right?

I can't sleep.

Apparently whatever I did tonight, half-consciously keeping Diem from hooking up with Darius was a bad decision. She was mad and she.. expressed her feelings to me. I get it now, I was wrong. She knows what she wants. But it still hurt me. And she was right, I DEFINITELY didn't want to hug her though I said it was okay that she did. What I took away from that.. (I wouldn't even call it a conversation) is that I shouldn't butt in anything about Diem's life. I should just back off. Forever. So I will. I love how tonight was supposed to be my birthday celebration too. What a great way to end it all, right? Getting yelled at? Fuck that. I.. don't need this. I shouldn't feel bad at all. Yes, I was drunk - she was drunk, but I shouldn't feel bad. I'm just done, period. Just another part of my life that's done and over with like Vicky and Jimmy. I'm done.

Best Night Ever

I drank with the boys in the other wing (Cody, Tim, Parker, etc.) and I had so much fun lmao. It's ridiculous the things that happen when guys get drunk. I'm talking about cowboy hats and wrestling and pretzels and food trips and cards and laying on top of closets and Hunger Games. It was great. They're really great guys and I finally edged my way into their group >:D

I'm loving this "have fun" philosophy. I have so many stories to tell lol.

And to think that my morning started off crappy! Larry said hi to me and I had a bunch of fun drinking. I can't wait for tomorrow night when we play Kings...

Made My Day

Oh my lord, Larry L, the Mr. FSU said hi to me just now at dinner. I'm sweaty, and probably really ugly right now because I came from the gym, and it's probably only because I was literally eating him with my eyes for a good 5 minutes while he was getting fries to eat, but.. He. Said. Hi to me. My heart skipped a beat. *swooooooon*

I'm realizing more and more everyday that college isn't really about grades or anything (though, yes, I'm here to earn a degree); it's more about the experiences you gain along the way. It's about the stories you'll have to tell and the friends you'll make and even the projects you'll have to look back at. For me, college is a once-in-a-lifetime chance to have fun. Because think about it, after this, it's all bills and work. I may not know what I want to be right now, but I'll figure it out eventually. I'm going yo make the best of the time I have left, I'm gonna live it up. Remember, college is just one big social test.

Omg. This blog is breaking my heart...

Interracial relationships are so beautiful!
I want that.

http://securelyinsecure.tumblr.com/

Friendly/Flirty

It's sad how being polite and nice is so rarely seen that when one comes across it, they mistake it for being flirty. I've fallen in this trap and I can't get out of it. It He is like a black hole consuming my thoughts with the littlest of actions and gestures. I can't help but fall for him. But the feelings will never be returned. I need a distraction, a flaw, something to stray my gaze from him. This year's resolution included not chasing him, but somehow every talk we have, every laugh we share, every glance caught lures me further in. And what's the appeal? His kindness. Maybe it's because I have no idea how to flirt or what it looks like that I've gotten so confused. Since when did the line separating friendliness and flirtiness get so thin?

I'm convinced that this whole college thing is just one big social test. And I'm in danger in failing.

Benny Benassi - Cinema (Skrillex Remix)

I've sorta been on this dubstep trip lately. I'm literally just listening to what sounds like a computer having a seizure, but... it works. I like it. As my friend says, it just gets you in a groove :)

Last night was awfully crazy...

I stayed up until 5 in the morning helping my friend Lizzie care for her roommate (and also my friend) Jess. Vomit and scares and Jay and trouble and laughs. But it made for one interesting night I certainly won't ever forget haha.

I've met some of the best, nicest people in the world here at school and I'm so glad they're such good friends of mine.
:)

It's hard to let go.

 Very hard.

I refuse to let myself chase again, but.. we're friends, I guess. This is about Jay obviously.
We talk. About life and problems. And we're okay - it's not awkward.
I just don't think I'm okay with letting him and the possibility of us becoming more than friends go so easily. I guess I've never just had a guy friend before. Even with Frank-o-bean it went from friend to crush to.. JUST friends. I had to fall for him first and admit it to him to get to where we are now: just good friends who joke around with each other. It's as though I can never just be friends with a guy, I always get those feelings for them. And after so many years I guess I'm still confused as to why these guys don't like me like that.

It's really hard to let go of something that at one time seemed so real and possible, something as beautiful and satisfying as finding someone to be with.

It's really hard to be just friends. Even harder to not be friends at all.

Peter

I wouldn't mind walking in to find this him in my bedroom.

;)

Check out his Lookbook: http://lookbook.nu/adrianp

Three Shots

Just three shots.

By myself.

I'm numb, I'm dizzy, but I'm talking a lot more.

I'm engaging. I'm interesting now.

But I drank by myself.

Pathetic. Depressing. Lonely.

Happy. Birthday. Me.

Just keep smiling, dear.

Fake it and eventually you'll make it.. hopefully.

Rihanna - No Love Allowed

Another Depressing Thought of the Day

I will be turning 20 in a few days and, looking back on my life, I can't say that I'm particularly pleased with my life. I mean, I've done more than a few awesome things including winning championships in volleyball, modeling in fashion shows, graduating high school, singing in front of a crowd, and flying across the country by myself just to visit a friend. And I feel great about the many things I've done for my friends and family, gifts and whatnot. But I honestly can't say that I'm where I want to be in my life. It's hard to change. It'll take a lot of searching within myself, a lot of reflection. It'll take knowing that all the little things make a huge difference. It'll take an extra effort to be happy with my life.. because right now I'm not.

Cover Drive - I Know You Too Well

My new favorite song.

Depressing Thought of the Day

One day, I will have to watch as someone buries my dear parents or my brother or my dear friend. And I won't be able to do anything about it. The world won't stop, life will continue on. One day I will lose those I love most. Looking at how my parents age every day is yet another reminder of how dispensable each one of our lives really are. I am yet a grain of sand on the beach of the universe - minuscule, overlooked, unimportant. My life (and my death) essentially means nothing.

~~~~

Then, there's an up side to this too.
Without each single grain, there would be no beautiful beach of a universe. Each life is exactly so important because it adds to the rich plethora of moments and feelings and relationships that make up life.
There's a purpose for each one of our lives, no matter how bad they seem at the moment.
I just haven't found the reason for mine yet.
But I will.


Optimism. I will stay positive.
For me, 2013 officially starts tomorrow. I have something to look forward to: being reunited with Johnny, even if for a short time. I will have a good time and come back refreshed. In this new chapter of my life I will not chase Jay anymore - or any other guy for that matter. I will not let the sadness stick to me. I will live more, laugh more, and just be me.

So, in a way, I guess you could say that my resolution is to be happier. And it all starts tomorrow.
See you in a week! :)

Paper Route - Letting You Let Go

Their music always seems to strike a chord within me, that's why they're my favorite band. ♥

Hello, 2013.

Hi.
It's been a while since I've gotten a chance to sit down and honestly blog. I appologize for those who actually pay attention to my posts, my laptop was in hibernation. But I'm back now, don't worry!
I have so many pictures to post! But those will have to wait, I guess.

Here's the quick summary of these past few weeks:
Wreck-It Ralph was an awesome movie - go see it, made a vase (one more thing crossed off my list), secret Santa with my friends, watercolor set and fuzzy socks, attractive card given to Jay, mildly depressed, passed classes with an A, a B+, and a C+ but am still on academic probation...what.the.fuck..., art and next level psych course next semester, YMS potluck, reached limit with sister, Korean restaurant, thrift shopping, loneliness, The Book Thief, LUSH, friendship bracelets, sugar cookies, New Years with the gang plus Lexy, sick, hospital with mom - confessions, parallel parking, Mike's Pastry and wall walking with Twinn - heart2heart, shopping with sister, new dress, possible plans with Jay.... and I think that's it.
Except for the fact that I'm going to California in a few days to visit Johnny. It's finally happening. Operation Johnny is nearly complete. I've been feeling... down lately all semester long. This trip should do me some good.
Oh, and I deleted Star from my friends. But that's a story for another time.
Right now I plan on cleaning up my room, maybe do a little packing, and stay up to practice my watercolor painting. And maybe I'll stay up to watch the sunrise. Just because.


2012 was such a bad year for me, the only thing I hope is that 2013 will be better.
My resolution? I don't know. But I did buy another journal to keep writing in, that could be one thing..

Zooey&Joe

They should just do the world (and me) a favor and get married already. They're so adorable :)
Zooey's the only person other than myself I permit Joe to be with haha.

Maybe she's right, maybe I never get the guy I want because I'm never forward with them. I'm too shy to look someone in the face and say "I like you", or even to give them a card that says so and NOT run away. I've been this way since that first incident in elementary school and I don't know if I can change. I'll probably end up being the cause of my own loneliness. Forever alone, that's me.