"Fight for your world, not your country."

A Peace of Other Things

I gave the gift.
I couldn't ring the doorbell and hand it to someone - anyone - in person though. Partially because I have no idea which doorbell to ring for the first floor of the apartment because they aren't clearly labeled, and partially because by the time I walked down that familiar street I was too anxious to do anything other than place it on the porch and leave. Still, I have this comfortable sort of halcyon air about me now. I feel like I can finally let the whole thing go. It wasn't a gift to say goodbye, that's not really was I was going for. It was a cross between an "I'm sorry for swearing at you like that, that's not me" and a "I hope someday we can be friends again - just not now because I need to remind myself that I don't need you and... that you don't need my help, ....okay?". All of that in a few words and hours of paper folding enclosed in a bottle, nice huh?

I can't say I feel as good about all the other things.
Yes I got a job, but I don't feel very confident about being good at it. And yes I ran practice for YMS on Sunday but I can't say that things will go as smoothly for all of YMS come the end of the summer... And no, I've not told my parents yet about my... academic standing. I swear I'll tell them early next month. Hopefully they won't go ape-shit. I mean, I'll be making some sort of small income so I can help pay for stuff so I won't be such a waste of space and money, right?
Sigh.

I enjoy being outside a lot more. I like sitting outside feeling the breeze and the sun and, at night, looking up at the sky. It's... peaceful. I wish I could have more moments like that. I wish my whole life could feel like that haha.

Infit of the Afternoon

I never really went anywhere after coming back home, but I took a much needed shower and put together a very cute.. infit (not outfit haha). 

Black bandeau/sports bra, homemade orange scoopneck with red butterfly back? (I don't know how to describe that), cutoff jean shorts, red diamond drop earrings, black pumps.

"Maybe I'm depressed that I got a job."

I went to an interview at Staples today. I got called in randomly a few days ago. And... I got the job! The manager who interviewed me was super nice. He'd been working not only as a manager in retail, but also with the Staples company for a while so he had connections. He said that if I was good enough he could call up the manager over at the Framingham store and get me a part time job there during the school year. How awesome is that?
I mean, I had pretty much given up. I don't remember how many resumes I handed out, not to mention how many applications I filled out online.. And to be honest I'd gotten in the mind frame that I'd get to chillax for the rest of the summer, but by the graciousness of a good, determined friend and by pure chance I got the job. Woo!

But after the interview I'd wanted to attempt to give the gift. I wrapped it up all nice and found a bag for it, except when I got there there was no answer. I felt stupid and rejected. There was nowhere I could leave it so I had to take it back home with me. When I got home I was sweaty and depressed. I got a blanket and just sat out in the yard staring up at the sky.

Look at my fugly face, the view from where I lay, and my new uniform!

My mom commented on the fact that I looked depressed and said that I should be happy, to which I replied, "Maybe I'm depressed that I got a job". We both had a laugh about that.

I feel better now but I just wish I had given that gift. "F you" is not a proper parting at all. It leaves me.. unsettled.

I need to buy this album.

Torrential Rains

The weather was gross today. It was sunny and oppressively humid to begin, then the clouds had a fit and a huge storm passed by.

I got lazy and didn't even bother try to make it look nice and put together haha.

But at least I was lucky enough to see this gorgeous rainbow! 

Then later I made myself an ice cream sundae with vanilla ice cream, brownies, banana slices, and chocolate sauce. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Luckily tomorrow won't be as bad and I'll be able to go out and ride my bike.

The Pianist (2002)

I know I'm late, but I saw this movie for the first time today. And I loved it. From the first scene I fell for Adrien Brody's character. I can't decide whether it was because of his charisma, his clothes and how well dressed he always looked, or the fact that he played the piano - and beautifully, at that. Anyway, this movie is a biographical drama about the Nazi invasion of Warsaw, Poland through the eyes of Jewish musician Władysław Szpilman. The images of violence and despair were disturbing, but left a lasting impression with their artful presentation. The themes of family and love added a beautiful element to the film also; I was heartbroken to see Szpilman separated from his family and those he loved, but his courage and motivation shown through in every scene. In the end a kind soul embodied by a German soldier saves his life (though I believe his talent and passion for music had a hand in that as well) and after the war viewers find him continuing to do what he loves - play the piano. Polanksi did an amazing job with this film and it was duly noted when it won 5+ awards. Take time to watch this masterpiece because I, as well as so many other people, rate it 5 stars.

Oh, and it doesn't hurt that Thomas Kretschmann is extremely attractive either. :)

Done and done.

I finally finished those friendship bracelets I wanted to! It only took two months, no big deal...
I should really start selling these.

 Which one do you like better? :)

I... don't love my sister.

The only feelings I have towards her are negative to be honest.
If only people knew what it was like growing up with her. She never spent time with me and when she did it was only because she was forced to. She didn't like me.
She's disrespectful, rude, inconsiderate... Sigh. I hate to say this about my only sister in life, the only other female who has the same familial blood as me, but I can't lie. I don't know her at all. And from the few instances we interact and communicate, I'm not sure I want to.

One day when I was younger, Dinah did something that really hurt me (I couldn't tell you what it was but there were lots of times like those) so I found this picture and tore it in half. I couldn't stand the sight of it. Of course later on I taped it back together because I felt bad..
We're so cute. How could we end up like this now?

I wish I could be here instead.

In a place filled with sunshine. In a place where I can smile and mean it because I'm enjoying myself.

Somewhere I wouldn't feel so shitty and alone.

And no, not shitty because I regret my actions, but shitty because I never got a chance. You, yes YOU, Victoria, dumped all that shit on my in the course of a week. You told me (hopefully) everything you didn't like about me. Do you want to know why I said "fuck it"? Because I've been that way since the day you met me. I'm quiet, you should know that. I don't talk much, I thought you would've gotten used to it. But maybe it was just your paranoia that drove you to think everything's my fault. Also, because I'm quiet I tend to bottle things up and rant when I can't take it anymore. You're "tired of me ranting"? The fuck? Then say something. Don't just shit on me when you're cross the country where we can't properly talk about it to fix it. And the reason I said "fuck you"? Well, I know for a fact I didn't single-handedly break our friendship. That's just bullshit. How did it get to be so broken in the first place? It wasn't just me, that's for sure. You never admitted to your problems, but hey, maybe you just wanted to run away from them like you're used to.

In a way I feel like you planned this. You wanted to go away, cut ties, and come back to have your "fresh start". Well, I hope you got what you wanted.

I mean, I've always been stubborn - so are you! It's not having a "one-routed mind", call it what it is. And I am an open person. I just hold grudges. I guard myself from getting hurt. That shit when you tried to set me up with your friend? I wasn't judging him. But it really doesn't matter what I say now, does it? Because you won't believe me. It's like you refuse to. Sounds pretty "one-routed" to me... What kind of shit is that? You never gave me a chance.

And all that trust crap? "I can forgive, but I can't forget." Just be honest. You never forgave me in the first place. And that's a shame too, because I know I did what I did for a good reason. My heart was in the right place. I said what I said because I care about you. And no, you don't know the full story, hun.

You never will.

I really want to hate you, I really do. But I can't bring myself to do it. I hurt you, I know. I betrayed your trust. And I figure you already think I'm a bad friend or that I was a fake friend from the start, but you're wrong. I'm a great friend and not only I, but lots of people know it. You probably hate me, but you don't know the half of it. And that's the saddest part.

I'm left with all the gifts you gave me over the years. I don't know whether to box them up or just keep them around until I stop feeling bad emotions when I think about the past. I know all your gifts from me are easy to box away. But there's one more coming. You just wait.

I'll not be forgotten yet...

~*~

Someone also said that maybe now everything (or everything from your side) is out, we can work to repair our friendship to be stronger than before.

...I'm not sure I want that. I mean I miss you. I miss having someone to talk to who understands my life and what I'm going through, someone I can go to anytime for anything, but if that happens it's going to take a lot of work because what we had is shattered, not broken. It won't be easy. And considering you said that I wasn't your friend the moment I betrayed your trust, I assume you won't even try to fix it, in which case I may as well continue with my life without you, right?

Sigh, all those years and gifts and time spent together gone to shit. It's so sad.

But it feels good to finally get that all out. Oh hey, look. I'm ranting again...

Being Forgotten.

It hurts like hell, simple as that.

Silly Goose

Me wearing sunglasses indoors at night.

Now that I've caught your attention with my bright plaid nightshirt, I shall update you on other stuff in my life.
I've been vegetarian for the better part of 6 weeks now. Yay me! Since I can't think of any cons, I'm just going to list off the top of my head a bunch of pros to my new diet: great for the environment, no animals are harmed (except for those very few days I give in to a piece of meat, in which case they were already dead anyway - but I won't get into that...), my stomach's adapted so that I feel full from eating less food, I lost some weight (which some people think is not a good thing, but for the general American population it is), and I learn how to make great tasting meals, of course!

I had a vegan burger made of soy products with some chips and a fruit salad for lunch the other day.

And last night I made vegetarian burritos (rice, beans, roasted peppers, onions, and squash, lettuce, salsa, corn, and cheese) last night for dinner so I used some leftovers to make a breakfast burrito with eggs. Mmm...

I went driving again on Thursday. So much fun! :D And I'm currently working on hanging up the rest of my cranes and finishing these three friendship bracelets I started (pictures will be posted later). Once I'm done with that my plan is to complete that puzzle I started a few years ago but never finished, then make myself some new t-shirts using some tips from the book 99 Ways to Cut, Sew, Trim, and Tie Your T-Shirt into Something Special. Plans, plans, plans. I've got to keep myself busy since I'm not doing anything else this summer..

Anybody out there?

Why is it that I'm not particularly moved by the latest tragedy, the Colorado movie theater shooting massacre? There must really be something wrong with me. I'm pretty sure my friends are getting tired of me saying "end of dayssss" too.

I'm sorry, and I my send condolences out to those families who lost a member or had a member witness that horror.

But I fear there are worse things to come. Because, like I've said, I think I've lost faith in the world.

These posts, my posts, more frequently exude depression... so I've decided not to write about this (the possible end of the world) again. If it ends, it ends. If it doesn't, it doesn't. As of now, life goes on. There's no need to depress everyone. I swear, this will be the last of it.

Had a triple feature at the movies today: Spiderman, Ted, and Magic Mike

Three movies for the price of one... if you catch my drift ;)

Sometimes I have the strongest urge to just run away. I want to run far away, forget my family and friends. Just catch a train to the farthest city - somewhere no one will find me. I'd work in a small restaurant or a jewlery store or somthing and find a friend to share all my secrets with and find a guy I like and just be happy and live carefree. I have this particular dream partially because my family makes me feel like that's the best I can accomplish in life and partially because I feel like if I were on my own, without them, I'd probably be satisfied with that simple life. But I hold dear this thought of running and being free. It's the best I can imagine on these sucky nights when I feel like the world is against me.

I'm just... stuck here.

"The scariest thing about distance is that you don’t know whether they’ll miss you or forget you." --Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

Permitted Driver

I forced my Mom to drive me out to Braintree, but I passed the test and got my permit on the 10th. Finally today my Dad took me driving today and let me drive all the way back home. It was freaking awesome. It's so freeing! (Especially since the price of getting around on the T sucks ass now...)

OH! And I flew a kite today! Just another thing to cross off my list! WOOOOOOOOOO!

Lazy Monday

Green block pleated half-calf skirt with sequin decoration, grey knot halter (made from an old shirt I had), long-sleeve black cardigan, bronze, gold, and silver leaf earrings.

I got myself a Burger King crown a few weeks ago... I like it.

:)

I think I've lost faith in the world.

I keep trying to keep a positive outlook on everything but in those dull moments when I have nothing to keep me occupied or those few minutes right before I fall asleep when I just lay there and think, I can't fight the thoughts eating away in the back of my mind.

A better life is waiting.

New Radicals - You Get What You Give

I made mac&cheese tonight. Yummy! :)

Nice.

I knew people probably wouldn't hire me since I'd only be working for less than 2 months. And here my mom's blaming it on the outfit I chose to wear. Because nothing I ever do is right, right? -_-

Yesterday I got called in for an interview later today. YES!

I rode my bike to the beach again yesterday. Except this time I was alone. It was fairly enjoyable. I just felt stupid going on the swings by myself at Malibu beach... Anyway I brought a lot of stuff to occupy myself with at Carsen but soon after I got settled on my blanket in the sand I felt raindrops. I knew it was going to rain, but I thought it'd start later in the afternoon. That's why I left my house so early! I only got to spent like 15 minutes at the beach. I decided it was better to just leave then rather than try to wait it out and possibly get caught in a horrible rain storm so I packed up my stuff and got ready to leave. Then I saw my English teacher from senior year... weird. We made small talk and rode our separate ways. Somewhere along the ride back home though I lost the bag I put my sweaty clothes and bikini bottoms in. I turned around and the other bag I had was falling off the back of my bike. I didn't see it down the street (Columbia Road - it's a very long road...) and I'd already ridden such a long way so I just adjusted the other bag and kept riding. I didn't think anyone would want a bag of sweaty clothes anyway.

I made two containers full of yummy fruit salad too :)

 

Then I came back home and got frustrated way too quick when my dad started asking questions about how to use Facebook. Sigh, I'm pretty sure it's too late for him to learn all this stuff. It's hopeless. He'll just forget what I told him the next day and ask all over again -_-

The Technology Barrier...that's what separates my dad from understanding how to use the computer like me and other people in my generation.

Pat Benatar - Love Is A Battlefield

Classic jam.

I'm taking my permit test today, let's hope I don't waste another $30.

Schnazzy!

White denim skirt, pea green(?) tank, beige cardigan with brown trim, brown bag, pearl earrings.

My dad's cardigan and a purse that I found in the back of my mom's closet. I only went out to get supplies for the upcoming YMS event earlier but I looked good. The mirror I took it in has spots on it though, gross...

Hallway Views

July 4th

I didn't get to hang out with the Gang (my cousins) and see the fireworks downtown like I usually get to this year. Sucks, but whatever. I caught a few fireworks behind trees from a  few blocks away. Just as good I guess. I spent the majority of my afternoon trying out a new recipe. Cabbage soup. It didn't taste that bad actually. And it was very healthy.

I put cabbage, carrots, celery, rice, pinto and black beans, garlic, tomato sauce, and a bunch of other herbs and spices in it. Most of the time spent on it came from making vegetable stock from scratch since all we had at home was chicken broth. It took a lot of time, effort, and sweat, but it was a success. My mom even tried it, though she said she wouldn't go vegetarian with me.

Later as we were watching the fireworks in the neighborhood, my mom and I saw the moon rise. It was orange. While my mom kept gushing about how pretty it was, all I could think about is how all the smoke and pollution from the Earth's atmosphere made it look that way. How disgusting humans are! How stupid and prideful Americans can be obnoxiously celebrating a single holiday! Sigh, I honestly can't see things ending well for us. It's only a matter of time...

Anyway, the night ended with me and my mom driving around Boston, then leaving when it started pouring. Eventful? Not really, but I got to do a little bonding with my mom. Since she's currently taking time off work, we have more time to do stuff. I talk to her a bit more everyday.

Oh, and on Tuesday I put together a cute little outfit to go grocery shopping with my mom.

Cargo kapris, white tank top, cropped jean jacket, and silver hoop earrings.

I may not have all the clothes I'd like to wear, but I think I'm doing fine with what I have. Fashionnnnn!

"Keep your feet on the ground when your head's in the clouds."

-Paramore, Brick By Boring Brick

Hell Yeah, Fuckin Right.

I dreamt about eating a slice of Meat Lover's pizza last night...

My personality, according to the Myer-Briggs personalty test:

ISFJ - Introverted Sensing Feeling Judging

The Nurturer

As an ISFJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you takes things in via your five senses in a literal, concrete fashion. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your personal value system.
ISFJs live in a world that is concrete and kind. They are truly warm and kind-hearted, and want to believe the best of people. They value harmony and cooperation, and are likely to be very sensitive to other people's feelings. People value the ISFJ for their consideration and awareness, and their ability to bring out the best in others by their firm desire to believe the best.
ISFJs have a rich inner world that is not usually obvious to observers. They constantly take in information about people and situations that is personally important to them, and store it away. This tremendous store of information is usually startlingly accurate, because the ISFJ has an exceptional memory about things that are important to their value systems. It would not be uncommon for the ISFJ to remember a particular facial expression or conversation in precise detail years after the event occured, if the situation made an impression on the ISFJ.
The ISFJ has an extremely well-developed sense of space, function, and aesthetic appeal. For that reason, they're likely to have beautifully furnished, functional homes. They make extremely good interior decorators. This special ability, combined with their sensitivity to other's feelings and desires, makes them very likely to be great gift-givers - finding the right gift which will be truly appreciated by the recipient.
More so than other types, ISFJs are extremely aware of their own internal feelings, as well as other people's feelings. They do not usually express their own feelings, keeping things inside. If they are negative feelings, they may build up inside the ISFJ until they turn into firm judgments against individuals which are difficult to unseed, once set. Many ISFJs learn to express themselves, and find outlets for their powerful emotions.
Just as the ISFJ is not likely to express their feelings, they are also not likely to let on that they know how others are feeling. However, they will speak up when they feel another individual really needs help, and in such cases they can truly help others become aware of their feelings.
The ISFJ feels a strong sense of responsibility and duty. They take their responsibilities very seriously, and can be counted on to follow through. For this reason, people naturally tend to rely on them. The ISFJ has a difficult time saying "no" when asked to do something, and may become over-burdened. In such cases, the ISFJ does not usually express their difficulties to others, because they intensely dislike conflict, and because they tend to place other people's needs over their own. The ISFJ needs to learn to identify, value, and express their own needs, if they wish to avoid becoming over-worked and taken for granted.
ISFJs need positive feedback from others. In the absence of positive feedback, or in the face of criticism, the ISFJ gets discouraged, and may even become depressed. When down on themselves or under great stress, the ISFJ begins to imagine all of the things that might go critically wrong in their life. They have strong feelings of inadequacy, and become convinced that "everything is all wrong", or "I can't do anything right".
The ISFJ is warm, generous, and dependable. They have many special gifts to offer, in their sensitivity to others, and their strong ability to keep things running smoothly. They need to remember to not be overly critical of themselves, and to give themselves some of the warmth and love which they freely dispense to others.

I wish I could do this...

Reverso

Take Heed

High Place

Painting by Alexandra Petruk

Fuel to the Fire

Weekend & Family

This weekend was very eventful. I didn't get to see Ted unfortunately, but I did have fun. On Friday YMS had a sort of bonding event where we made crepes. Even though I didn't put any ham or bacon or even nutella in mine, they tasted good. (Yes, to all you skeptics out there, I am still temporarily vegetarian. I haven't had any Meat Days this past week either...) We played board games until 2 in the morning so of course when I got home I received some dirty looks.
My parents left for some gala in NY early Saturday morning so they weren't home when I woke up. I hitched a ride with my sister to go to my cousin's son's 1st birthday party. That was one of the most awkward car rides I have ever been in. By now it should be obvious that my sister and I don't have a very good relationship. We rode in silence most of the 30 minute ride there. Eventually she asked me how my first year of college went - a tender spot for me, but I answered truthfully (without mentioning that I failed or my current academic status), that the sciences were difficult because I never really learned how to study in high school, I suck at Chemistry, and that everything else I have the ability to do but never did because I wasn't motivated. And that was the end of any talking for the rest of the ride. Very, very awkward.. I was scared that the entire weekend would be like that because my parents were away but then I remembered Malcolm would still be at home. I don't like to talk to him much anymore but it's still better than those awkward moments with my sister...

I know something's wrong when I can't communicate with my sister normally.
Earlier that day she came home crying because of this hair treatment she'd gotten done at the salon. She went straight to the bathroom and at first I thought she thought I wasn't home. I quieted in my room to check if she really was crying or I had heard wrong. She was and I didn't know what to do. I was stuck between wanting to go to the bathroom to ask what was wrong and wanting to hide in my room so that I wouldn't see her cry. She came out and asked me to check if her scalp was burned anywhere. It wasn't. I watched as she downed a few Ibuprofen and tried to explain. Apparently she was crying because her head felt like it was on fire. She went back downstairs to scour the internet to find out if this happened to other people too... and I stayed upstairs. I quickly tried to look up information on the treatment she'd gotten. It had something to do with a chemical. I figured her head felt that way because it'd been a while since she'd put chemicals in it. So I went downstairs to tell her that - but only in passing. I didn't stop to sit down with her and tell her to her face, I walked past the living room where she was to the kitchen where I called out my opinion to her. And she responded by entering the kitchen, going to the fridge, looking inside and replying to the food in there. We never made eye contact. After she corrected me I didn't know what to say or do so I just said "Oh" and went back upstairs to take a shower. But I left the door open a bit so I'd be able to hear her or so that she could come in if she needed to. In the end she found a video on Youtube of some girl who had the same traumatic experience she was having because her scalp was sensitive. So told me that, but only through the crack in the door.
Through this whole play-by-play of a 10 minute moment with my sister, you can probably tell that I don't like the way things are. I wish we could be closer, or at least have normal conversations with one another that aren't through text or inanimate objects. But in all likelihood, I don't think we'll ever get past that invisible wall between us. It makes me sad to see my friends and family with their sisters and know that that probably won't ever happen with me and my sister. I won't make the first move and.. I don't think she will either.

 Anyway, we arrived at the party early and my cousin still needed help setting up so of course we pitched in. I decorated everything nicely with care. It made me think that I wouldn't mind being a party planner. It's fun. And I'd be great at it.
Once people started arriving and the grill fired up I realized that there was basically only meat to eat. So I ate some chips and waited to be taken home. I ended up facepainting for the party. I originally didn't want to but I needed something to distract me from my hunger and after doing a tester on my other cousin I found out that I really liked it. I did a few eye designs and I made two kids look like Spiderman, another like Ironman, a third like a tiger (a realistic-looking one too!), and I can't even remember the rest. It was so much fun. I figure I had fun because one, it's painting and two, the kids weren't fussy haha. I'll put up pictures later.
On Sunday I had to wear my new black and silver heels for YMS practice. It was so awkward. I feel like I walk horribly in them but no one said anything so I guess I was okay.
Plans are finalizing for the upcoming Field Day event. I'll be really sad if this fails. It's such a great idea. Hope for the best, I guess.