Dark Days

This is the third blackout we've had at my house in past four days. This is getting ridiculous..

Driving my tipsy parents and friend back home from a party in Randolph at 3 in the morning (with only my permit). CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.


And just so you know, we got home safe and sound :)

It's Christmas Eve.

And it really doesn't feel like it at all. There's no joy or happiness in this whole process. It feels like I've just been buying gifts and going through the motions. My heart's not in it. In any of it. What am I doing? Why do I keep feeling this way? Listless and without a drive. It's like there's no meaning to my life anymore, I'm not doing anything. There's no point. I just feel sort of.. empty, like I'm not really here.

Winter Break

While my siblings go out clubbing, my mom spends her night in church, and my dad sleeps the night away, I'll be in the kitchen making up for all the time lost in my kitchen-less dorm in Framingham. Two pasta meals, chocochip cookies, and cupcakes. And of course I'll be making some sugar cookies on Christmas eve :D At least I'm keeping busy so it doesn't seem so sad that I'm spending my Saturday night doing... nothing... with no one. Yay!

My Friday Night

My first night back from school will be spent curled up on the couch reading a good book next to the very pretty Christmas tree. I got Darius and a popcorn snack, what more could I need? #sadsociallife

But.. At the end of the day guns don't kill people, people kill people. The world is a fucked up place and honestly, the only thing that stops something as simple as a stone from being a weapon is the person holding it.

Zombie

Walking around campus in search of a computer I can use to finish a bunch of crap last minute for my finals, it feels like I'm the only person still up and working this late. I'm trying, I really am! I'm trying...

Everything Covered in Ice

Detached.

Constantly observing the life around you but never fully partaking in it. Always on the fringes. Longing to be apart of something real without ruining it with your words, your touch, your being. To feel so much yet so little at the same time. Never feeling like you truly belong. To be unsure and frustrated with oneself. Repeatedly feeling like a failure. Depression truly is a sickness. It creeps into your veins and takes over your body, your thoughts. It doesn't let go.

Childish. My work in progress.

Dreams

Last night I dreamed about a zombie apocalypse. And it wasn't humorous at all, it was really scary. 12-21-12 forecast?

That moment when the tables turn.

When the people who used to be your closest friends are now closer to your roommate, who used to be quite antisocial herself... What? How did this happen? Is there something wrong with me? Am I in fact the antisocial one?

And at the end of the day I wonder... why not me?

Beauty

Oh yeah, I'm going to be in Miss FSU.

I'm going to be in a competition with 7 other girls to represent the school. It's not supposed to be a popularity contest or a beauty pageant (though it'll probably end up that way).
I'm going to wear a pretty dress and try to sing in front of a crowd of people, then I'll be escorted onto the stage by my friend as I showcase another pretty dress (my formal wear gown *coughmypromdresscough*), and I'll answer some questions for the judges, and hopefully after all of that I'll be named the new Miss FSU.

I'm sort of excited for it.
I know I'll be pretty damn close to shitting my pants once I'm called onto the stage to sing, but right now I'm feeling good about it all.

This is my chance to show the people of this school what I can really do. This is my chance to show myself what I can do. I've modeled before, but having to speak infront of a crowd is a whole other story.

I'm amped.

Let's go.

 [Wish me luck, guys!]

Lovely Lanterns

Operation Johnny in Full Effect!

If you don't remember, I created Operation Johnny about a month and a half ago.

Objective: To keep my friend's hopes high and to try to make him feel better, even in the smallest way.
Reason: He means a lot to me and he should know that. He also should know that he's not alone, that he shouldn't be so stressed. I want to let him know that even if he hasn't changed the world, he at least changed one person's world.

Step 1: Send him my 1000 paper cranes in the mail for good luck.
Step 2: Save money.
Step 3: Buy a plane ticket to California for sometime around Spring Break (hopefully) and visit him.
Step 4: Somehow make or buy him a cake since he never got one for his birthday. :(


And as of last night, steps 1, 2, and 3 have been taken. I'm going to California, guys! :D
Somehow (after working long hours on weekends and picking up my coworker's shifts...) I've been able to save up enough money and when I talked to him last night he found a ticket price for about $70 less than what I was originally going to pay. In the spur of a moment I decided that I wanted to visit him earlier than Spring Break. I just have this horrible doubt that something bad may happen in that extra 3 months I don't see him... so I figured since we're both on Winter Break in January, I'm going to visit him a week before my birthday. We're going to party hard haha.
So I've got my ticket and I have a design ready for that tattoo I'm going to get. Oh, did I forget to tell you about that too? Yeah, in another spur-of-the-moment decision, I decided that I'm going to get a tattoo while in Cali. I figure if there's any place to get a quality tattoo done, Cali's it.


I'm excited :)


Now all I have to do is finish this semester with awesome grades, save up more cash for Christmas gifts and California shoppinggggg, and I'll be all set for the best transition into the new year yet. I wish I could just live my life exactly like this - doing the things I want for myself, by myself. It's so... freeing.


P.S. Johnny said I should visit in the summer too. Hell-to-the-mo-fo-YEAH! This first trip will just be a test run for me to get used to flying by myself and everything.


;)

Because I'm black and they'd never think to find me beautiful...

Smartphone

http://forlackofabettercomic.com/

Tiny Tim - Livin' In the Sunlight, Lovin' In the Moonlight

JGL

Yes.

Darwin

From The Amazing World of Gumball... How can you not love him or the show? Haha.

Karma's a Bitch...

I skipped class to eat an amazing breakfast of chocolate chip pancakes and kielbasa sausage, only to find that they don't have breakfast... or any good food available when I get here. -_-

I finally got to eat what I came for after 30 minutes of waiting but it was sort of pointless, you know? Sigh, the things I do for kielbasa and some chocolate lol.

JON MCXRO - Don't Say Nothin' (feat. JoJo)

Profession

You know what I'm really good at?

Procrastination.

There should be a profession for that. I'd be perfect for it...

If only I could write my essays as easily as I did the posts on my blog.

 I'd be writing 10 page papers with no problem. I'd be getting straight A's. Can I major in My Life?
Please?

A.K.'s New Work

Audrey Kawasaki came out with some new work which looks bea-u-ti-ful. As always, I'm in awe.

Check out the rest of it on her website.

Wandering Star
Oil, acrylic, and graphite on wood panel 16"x16"
Jonathan Levine Gallery "Midnight Reverie" NY

Untitled
Graphite and ink on hand cut vellum 6"x6"
Jakarta or Bust art auction

Make Believe
Oil, acrylic, and graphite on wood panel 24"x24"
Jonathan Levin Gallery "Midnight Reverie" NY

Into
Oil, acrylic, and Graphite on wood panel 9"x9"
Jonathan Levine Gallery "Midnight Reverie" NY

All paintings by Audrey Kawasaki.
2012

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

I've seen this movie in the instant queue of Netflix for a while and I finally watched it Sunday night. I love Jim Carrey movies, but this was in the sci-fi/romance genre so I wasn't so sure. It turned out to be a really good movie. It's about a guy named Joel who finds out that his impulsive ex-girlfriend Clementine had him and their relationship erased from her memory. He reacts by also getting his memory erased of her. During the procedure however, he realizes that he doesn't want to follow through the procedure. Most of the movie takes place in Joel's subconscious mind where he tries to resist the operation and get the people operating on him to stop. Backtracking through his memories with her, Joel tries hold on to Clementine by taking her to different memories of his younger life.
It was a very interesting movie not only because of the provoking concept of removing another completely from one's memory, but also because of the personalities of the two main characters Joel and Clementine, which seemed to be polar extremes of one another that somehow clashed well, in a perfect harmony.

I guess this movie was a good one to me because I found myself relating quite a bit to Jim Carrey's character, who is emotionally withdrawn. Two of his quotes really clicked with me:

One was, for him, on the subject of girls (for me, on the subject of guys).
Joel: "[narration as Clementine acknowledges Joel by raising her coffee mug] Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?"

The other was about him being so withdrawn.
Clementine: "You don't tell me things, Joel. I'm an open book. I tell you everything, every damn, embarrassing thing.You don't trust me."
Joel: "Constantly talking isn't necessarily communicating."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 I've gone to two sessions with counseling so far. At the last session my counselor/therapist suggested that I feel listless and somewhat depressed null because I feel withdrawn in relationships with those I care about most. Especially considering the relationships that have ended more recently, I feel somewhat void of someone to talk to whenever I need them. It makes a lot of sense. I'm glad she could connect the dots for me because it was bothersome not to know why I was feeling so down. So as a remedy I've decided to try going to one of the group meditation sessions on campus. That, or yoga/regular exercise. Something to help clear my mind and let go of the past. I've also recently read a book for Psychology called Understanding Other People by Beverly D.Flaxington. I 'm going to try and use the tips in that book to better communicate with the close friends I have now. Maybe I can make more meaningful relationships out of those. Maybe that'll be the way to help me feel grounded and not so                detached                 from others.

But anyway, back to the movie review!

I give it 3.5/5 stars. Great concept, beautiful presentation, something that I could relate to, but it was sort of confusing and it's a movie I'd only want to watch once. Still, go see it. It's worthwhile!

Beautiful Big Hair, Don't Fucking Care

One day I will be as beautiful as these women are. Not because of big hair, but because I will have accepted myself for who I am, what I look like, and all that I can do. I will be successful because I will have achieved happiness. But enough about me - look at the amazing hair in these awesome pictures! 

Erykah Badu

Shingai Shoniwa

Teyana Taylor

Teyana Taylor, again.

On a brighter note, my friend said that I reminded her of Corinne Bailey Rae today.

I took that as a huge compliment.
I'm sure she was just distracted by the fact that I have an afro and Corinne has natural hair also. There's nothing similar about us. Corinne is absolutely gorgeous. And I can only dream to have hair as long and beautiful as hers. And her music? So much soul and passion! If only I had a voice like hers...

So this is basically my tribute post to Corinne Bailey Rae. Thank you for your music! Stay strong, stay beautiful.

Males of the Mind

"I understand. You're not attracted to me. C'est la vie."

- Rushmore (1998)

I'm trying to get over Jay. And at the same time I'm working on forming and building relationships with my guy friends - ones where I won't end up developing romantic feelings for them. It's harder than it seems because, well, I like to surround myself with people who have qualities I like, you know?
But anyway, because I'm focusing so much on the guys in my life, the more attractive ones really stick out. Like all the guys I work with at Staples. Damn, I don't know how so many beauties got assigned to one store... I found out that one of them recently broke up with his girlfriend, hmmm... I was wondering why he was so flirty the other day. And now I know haha.
But per usual, even before I got to know any of them I told myself that it would never work out between us.

Because they're so much more open than I am, because our personalities don't match.
Because I'm too tall.
Because I'm black and they'd never think to find me beautiful.
Because I'm not attractive enough.
Because I have awkward large hands and big feet and a big, ugly nose.
Because I'm too quiet and came off as not interested.
Because of all the other reasons floating around in my mind.
The list goes on and on.

The list that I use as my defense mechanism. The list that always keeps me at a distance from the opposite sex. The list that I refer to whenever I find someone that I might like and eventually even fall for. The list that gives me reasons to avoid getting involved with that person. The list that challenges my self esteem every single damn day.

Through habit, I've tricked myself into believing that I'm not attractive to guys - or at least not attractive enough to risk getting into a relationship with. C'est la vie.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh. In other news, I have a bad feeling that I'm gonna get fired. The other day at work some guy came in claiming that he opened his newly bought box of ink cartridges and inside the individual packages were already opened and he wanted a new one. He was an honest-looking middle-aged man who wanted a refund or exchange. At the time, it made sense to me. It sounded like he was telling the truth so I told him to grab another and I exchanged it for him. Only afterwards when I called the manager on duty to the front (this guy is around my age and also one of the attractive guys working here) did he say that for situations like that I should call him to the front because I basically just let the guy walk away with $90 worth of product. It didn't occur to me that the man could've been lying - he even offered to talk to the manager about it, but there were other people in line and I let him go. The attractive manager said he didn't want me to lose my job... those words were what really sunk in. I felt bad about it for a good hour or two afterward. It took seeing the attractive manager dance and sing and be happy, and my other attractive coworkers making me laugh for me to eventually let it go. But I still feel bad about it even now. I felt so stupid and useless! I really hope I don't lose my job. I didn't mean any harm... I swear, it's one mistake I won't let happen ever again. Hopefully the attractive manager will see that. :\

Problemssssss, sigh.

Daydream Dancer

Kid Cudi - Pursuit of Happiness

Sunday Dinner

My family - my whole family, including my sister - came up to see me and have dinner tonight :)
As annoying as they can get, I must admit that I did miss them. Plus, it was nice to eat some actual good-tasting food for once...

I can't remember the last time we've done anything like that. I'm glad I could bring them all together, if only once in a blue moon. And since we didn't get that much time to talk, Malcolm is planning on coming up on Tuesday to have breakfast with me. Fun :)

Keep staying positive and things will turn out okay, Christina. Things will get better.. eventually.

Jordana Sheara Photography

I like it.

Check out more of her work on her website here.

JUST FRIENDS

Why is it so hard for me to be just friends with a guy? For as long as I can remember I've never been able to just be friends with a guy. Even in elementary school. Shannon? The first guy ever to tell me that he liked me? That was in the fourth grade. And I can remember chasing him around just because I liked him back in the 2nd grade. I was never really just friends with him.

By now, my second year in college, you'd think that I'd at least have some sort of relationship with a guy (romantic or not), but no. Well... yes. There was Frank. But I liked him. And told him eventually. But it worked out. We're still friends now. Other than that though he's been my only close guy friend. Being completely honest, I've had some sort of feelings towards all my other male friends - the ones who I thought were attractive, at least. The not-so-attractive ones I've always tried to avoid one-on-one contact with because I felt like they liked me, and I didn't want to.. lead them on. Sigh, I know that sounds really bad (believe me, I don't think I'm any sort of hot shit or anything..), but there's no other way I can try to explain my strange thought process. Don't judge me.

So anyway, here in college where I have a lot more interaction with the opposite sex I find it... difficult. Well, I'm definitely getting better (yay for me going through this whole "growing up" thing in college!), but when it comes to someone I'm actually really attracted to like *coughJaycough* it gets really complicated.
I've come to a point where I realized that it's just better that we stay friends. I'm going through this phase where I convince myself that it wouldn't work out between us anyway (the same thing I usually do before meeting any other guy..). And it's working, ever so slowly. The fact that I don't see him as often helps too. I wish I could just "lose" his number.. haha.

But tonight I finally got the chance to sit down and talk to him one-on-one. It was nice, just two friends catching up. Then he brought up a very interesting topic. He was on Facebook and his sister posted a status about nice guys. How she feels like crap because she's talking to this nice guy, but she's disappointed to see him treat all other girls he interacts with the same way. It doesn't make her feel as special anymore. Which is something I totally get, but he was confused by it. He asked for my opinion on it.

So I told him, "It's funny that you mention that. Because you make me feel the same way."

...

Did you believe me? Yeah, no. I would never say something that bold. I told him that I could see how she feels (I really, really, reaaaally do... -_- ) but I could also see where he, the nice guy, is coming from. I said that it was a shame that all guys weren't simply nice. If that were a standard, there wouldn't be any problem, there wouldn't be any more confusion.

I'm writing about this because I found it extremely ironic how he mentioned that tonight of all nights talking to me. Why me? That comment poked a hole in my neatly sealed box of feelings. Now I have to wrap it up again and convince myself, yet again, that we are just friends. I must not expect anything more. I must prepare myself for heartbreak before anything happens (namely, before he starts "hanging out" with another girl). Just Friends. Not exactly what I'd hoped for, but it'll just have to do.

Every single time I fall at the wrong time...

Other than that though I was forced to watch part of Insidious. I won't ever say it aloud, but it freaked me out so much that it made me cry. Never again... And I'm finally out of the Biology major. It feels like a huge weight's been lifted off my shoulders.. I'm starting to see a counselor here on campus. I hope they can help me figure out my life. If not, at least I'll have someone I know I can always talk to when I can't turn to anyone else. I got a 90 on my Macroeconomics exam tonight. WOOO! Oh, and I think I'm starting to resent Honey Bee. When I see her updates on Facebook I get the strong urge to just.. delete her from everything. My Facebook, my phone, ..my memories... I think I need to work on being content with my life more. I need to accept the past, live in the moment, and look towards a bright, happy future. That's the life I want. I'm just having trouble getting there :(

Is happiness too much to ask for?

Btw I went to a poetry slam earlier this week and Dan Castillo's poems are amazing. Listen to his poem "Letter to St. Thomas the Apostle" on his website here. If you don't like that one, check out his other ones. I'm positive there's something there everyone can relate to in some way. I emailed him the next day and he replied with kind words. He just seemed so happy and content with his life on that stage. Is it so wrong to want that kind of life?

I think I have a solution. It may be time to try to start up meditating again. The first time everything just... fell through. Let's see how this goes...

I Want This

With this.

And some moments like this.

Or just this. That'd be fine too...
Or Harry Shum Jr., why you soo sexay?
;)

The Pros and Cons of Single Life

Created by 50shadesoftayy. Check out her blog.

Pros:

• you don’t have to think for two
• you have free time 24/7
• you’re not exactly tied down to anyone
• MONEY SAVED.
• not having to remember anniversaries, birthdays, all other couple related dates.
• not being pressured to have sex (although no one should pressure you, you should wait until you’re ready/comfortable with your mate.)
• arguments.
• get to know yourself better.
• get to expand your social circle, without someone getting jealous.

Cons:

• SEXUAL FRUSTRATION.
• when those times you’re lonely, and you don’t feel like just calling someone up just to chill. You want someone who genuinely wants you and misses you.
• doing those sick-mushy couple stuff with.
• dates. and getting all dressed up and excited to be spending time with them.
• talking about your future and what you want to accomplish with that person.
• hearing love songs and instantly thinking about that one person.
• knowing that someone wants YOU. and ONLY YOU. NOBODY ELSE. JUST YOU.
• always someone to talk too, and giving/receiving advice to better that person.
• someone to encourage you when you’re down and depressed.
• getting excited about the future with that person.

That pretty much sums it up in a nutshell for me, though I've never been in an actual relationship before so I can't really say much else.

Marley Quote

The Peace of Wild Things

I sort of went on a little online shopping spree tonight... But it's for a good cause! Music keeps me happy - or at least sane, even in the worse of moods. I ordered a physical copy of this CD and I absolutely can't wait to hold it in my hands and listen to its magic that first time I put it in the CD player. I love Paper Route's music. I am sooooo excited.

Great way to end the night, I'd say. 
♥

Escaping Freshman Fifteen

Last year I got by through volleyball. We were always training and practicing and I sweat A LOT. But this year I'm worried I'll succumb to the horrible disease that is Freshman 15. I play no sport, so there's nothing to keep me active. I go to the gym maybe once every two weeks (at least once a week if I'm being good), which isn't much exercise if you think about it long-term. I try to take the 6 flights of stairs up to my room to save power and keep my heart pumpin strong (that's more than I can say for those people who take the elevators from the 3rd floor to the 5th floor EVERY SINGLE DAY...), I've cut back on my juice and soda intake dramatically, and I try to only eat until I'm satisfied/eat smaller portions (with less meat also!), but at the end of the day... I CAN'T STOP EATING - or, let me clarify that. I can't stop snacking! It's sort of a problem because I'm always looking around for food but the stock in my room ran out so then I have to use my laundry money or cash to get something ridiculously overpriced from the vending machine which won't even fill me up but I still get anyway. It's as though I always have to chew on a snack.. And 90% of the snacks I end up eating are junk. I'm afraid. That my pouch will come back and haunt me, never go away. How do I control my food intake? Do I keep eating because of stress? Or because I'm just bored? (Sad, but true, that's a real possibility.)
I lost maybe 10 pounds over the summer when I cut out meat from my diet, maybe I should start that again to cancel out the buildup of bad foods.. Yeah, that's bad logic haha. Damn junk food, why must you be so tasty? Leave me be!!!

I can't stray from the sweets!

To feel so incredibly alone and helpless even when...

To feel so incredibly alone and helpless even when surrounded by a sea of people is absolutely the worst feeling there is.

I just wanna...

flip a fucking desk and say "Fuck it!"

My mood has progressively gotten worse in the course of one day. I'm just agitated and frustrated and I'm upset and I just wanna flip off anyone and everyone. If Jay and my major and my work and my friends and my roommate and everything else that's wrong were all somehow molded together into the shape of a desk, I'd flip if in an uproar and stomp the shit out of it. I'm just emotionally exhausted and I just wanna be done. With everything.

Why does life have to be so hard?
And I know that things could be far worse, but I'm struggling here.

I find it pathetic that I'm even considering how simple things would be if I just died. Or if the world really did end in a month. This stress is sinking me back into those depressive thoughts, NOT good -__-

7 Girls in Jay's Room at Midnight...

It's all movie and massages and too many dirty jokes from this one loud girl (my new enemy - or rather, girl I don't particularly like because she loves to talk about Jay and how hot he is and she loves to feel him up while giving massages and laying on his bed).

Sooooooo... with all these girls much prettier than me around, I realize that I don't stand a chance. I'm a "good friend" and that's all I will ever be. So much for that I guess.
Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh wishful thinking. Stupid me.
You know what? NO. Stupid Jay for not pursuing me.

I'm just discouraged and disheartened now. Great night, huh?

Innocence

Just give me a chance.

I feel pressured to say something extraordinary when you ask me "What's new in the life of Christina?" I feel like the most boring person on Earth when I answer "Nothing much". I don't find my life very interesting at all. If there's anything new and fun about it, it's you. So please don't write me off, don't forget me. Just ask me more specific questions about my life. I'll give you better answers. Trust me, I want to tell you all about my life. I want to learn all about yours too! Just.. spend a little more time with me, love. And I know that you'll find, love, that I WILL possess your heart.

If there's one thing I absolutely hate, it's people taking advantage of my kindness and taking me for granted. I've been feeling like this for the past few days now and it's really getting to me. I'll never stop being nice and offering things to people, but if people keep treating me like I'm nothing I might just flip out on someone one of these days.

Ugly

I think I shall be an old, ugly hag for Halloween tonight.. A costume to match my mood. Perfect, right?!

I spent about an hour changing my outfit this morning and in the end I still walked out the building feeling like I look like shit, great. Just great...

Death Cab - I Will Possess Your Heart

Well... not "will", but I hope to... ♥

Why can't I just meet a gorgeous guy like this who's nice and respectful and artsy and caring and who loves me for me?
Is that so hard?

Fairytale Wishes

End of the Line

I hate this game. I think I shall just be blunt... maybe.
If I can ever build up the courage.

Pros: he likes me the same way I like him, we could try to make something work...in a way that wouldn't get him in trouble
Cons: he doesn't like me the same way I like him, rejection, it gets awkward, I'll be forced to be just friends with him, I'll get saddddddd

Why does this have to be so hard?! Why did my stupid emotions have to get in the way?

Last Night

I had a dream I talked to Honey Bee last night. We happened to be at the same women's event. She was there with her sister. We were sitting; I happened to sit next to her. Then all of a sudden she started playing with my hair. She said hi, I said hi. She started braiding my hair. She said, "I thought you were mad at me" and I replied, "I was, for a really long time. Not anymore though." The only thing she said was "I'm done" when she stopped braiding my hair halfway haha. But we smiled at each other - genuinely. It was nice.

I hope one day soon my dream will come true. I hope one day soon I will have a genuine talk with Honey Bee again.

Sexilation & Male Strippers

I was sexiled from my room and all of my friends either had gone home for the weekend or were off being losers doing homework or something. And to top it off, Jay was in his room sleeping right when I'd really wanted to spend time with him and possibly watch Spirited Away together. The only reason I stayed in Framingham tonight was because he'd invited me to go to some party at "the Rugby house", but he'd never sent me the address and since he was sleeping it didn't look like he was going anywhere so I felt like I'd wasted my time. I was lonely and feeling depressed. My friend Lizzie had told me to just scrap Jay cause he didn't have the balls to make a move. So I was getting sad. I posted a status saying "What's the point anymore?"
After some time my new friend Holly joined me and we were going to go to her room and watch the rest of the Hunger Games (since we'd never finished it from that other night we started it). I went over to Lizzie's room to grab my things and all of a sudden someone knocked on the door. I opened it and guess who it was...

JAY. WEARING HIS SEXY FIREMAN COSTUME FROM THE OTHER NIGHT. Trailed by Holly, he came in dancing to Gangnum Style, a song I'd been listening to earlier in the lounge. Lizzie and I were so shocked lol. He pulled me in the middle of the room to dance and he was booty bumping me and he even started stripping! The room got hawt. And everyone was a little sweaty from dancing. He told me "I heard you weren't having a good day so I came to cheer you up."

.....

What the fuck. How can I scrap him after that? lol. If that's not a sign he likes me, what is?
So later when he comes back from that Rugby house party, I'm gonna try and spend some more alone time with him. Just me and my fireman Jay.

I don't wanna just be friends. If there's something there - which I think there is - I think we should make it happen. The only problem is that I don't want to get him in trouble...

Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, let me know how you feel!

Some Love Story...

So I've been trying to talk to Jay more and spend some more alone time with him, but it's so freaking hard! There's always other people around in the lounge and he's busy, I can't just walk into his room all the time.
I wish I could. But he doesn't have as much free time as he used to anymore :(
The other night he came back from some party at a pub dressed in a fireman costume (sexayyyyyy!) and we sat next to each other in the lounge. My knee was sorta touching his leg but that was it. He never made a move or anything and to get his watch back (since I'd stolen it from his room earlier that night) he just kept poking me. That's it. Pokes.
Is he too afraid to do anything in front of other people? Afterall, it could get him in trouble... I don't wanna get him in trouble. Maybe we should just stay friends... Sigh.

When you send a riskay text message that doesn't get a reply -_-

Sigh. Damn Kay. She made a few comments tonight that like.. crossed the line. "You guys should get married" and "stop trying to have sex with Jay!"

And I sent him a message about the married comment (luckily he didn't hear the sex one!!! Dx). It was riskay. Very riskay. I meant for it to be a bold way of saying "I like you!" (since I can't tell what he's thinking, I may as well just get it out there) but idk, with that combined with all the other notes and texts maybe I just seem stalkerish. I really hope not. I don't wanna ruin a good friendship. And I REALLY don't wanna get him in trouble for doing stuff with a resident - even if they are just rumors.
He doesn't respond to half of my texts so I shouldntve expected one but I still wanna take it back! I wanna crawl into a whole for a while until it all blows over.
Why can't text messages be canceled? :(
I think I'm just going to avoid him tomorrow. I'm gonna spend most of my time at the library. I can't face him! Sigh, damn Kay!

I had dreams about Jay all last night.

I don't think he was the last thing on my mind before falling asleep but maybe he was floating around in my subconscious at some point. I dreamed that we were in an elevator going downstairs with two other people. The elevator broke down and fell all the way to the first floor. I freaked out and jumped in his arms lol. I pressed the emergency button and we eventually got out safe and sound.
Then I woke up around 8 and remembered that he stayed up late to finish writing a speech he had to present today. So I sent him a text saying good luck on it. He replied saying thanks with lots of exclamation points and a smiley face. Then somewhere along there I was wondering how much he could actually lift (since he's so ripped) so I fell back asleep and dreamed that I went to his room and gave him a hug. Then he gave me a piggyback ride around the hall haha. I'm so weird.
Last night I also spent more time in his room. But I still can't freaking tell how much he likes me, or if he really does for that matter. I was talking to my friends yesterday and they said that everyone had a crush on him. I was just like "well there goes that!" but they told me that for all the stuff we do together, I'm prob the one he likes most, that I have the best shot with him. I hope they're right. In his room he started playing country music, which I don't like at all, so I said I was gonna leave but he was like "noooo, don't go" so... I stayed :) we just sat there. I was playing games on my phone and he was doing actual work lol. And the country songs were all lovey dovey. It was odd but I didn't mind. And apparently he didn't mind my company either.
I've been told to touch him more so I'm gonna ask him if he can pick me up sometime lol. I can get a full feel for his body ;)
Sigh... At times I feel like I'm just an annoying resident who texts him and slides notes under his door. I want to be reassured that this isn't just one-sided! I just wanna be blunt and tell him I like him. But things could "crash and burn" the second I say it.
This wait, this dance, is nerve-racking.

Makeup is a Drug

This past week I've worn makeup more than I have in my entire life. All I really wore was some eye makeup (eye shadow, eyeliner, and mascara) for my roommate's birthday and for my spirit day costume for work , but now that I'm not wearing it I feel... ugly. Its a bad feeling. I never used to wear any sort of makeup at all. But for some reason some powder on my eyes made me think I looked prettier (I got more compliments at least). I don't feel special anymore.
When you need to do something every single day to change yourself/your appearance to boost your confidence or anything, that thing is no good for you. Makeup is a damn filthy drug.
Now I have to boost up my confidence again. I have to be able to get up every day, look in the mirror, and tell myself that I AM pretty as is, makeup or not. I have to build myself up again, go cold turkey. Stupid, good-for-nothing makeup.
I hate you. You're the cause of so many girls' insecurities. You're the reason why some guys are so shallow. You're the reason why such an abstract thing as beauty has an image. I hate you.

I want to feel pretty again.

It's 4 in the morning and I just spent the last 3 hours talking to Jay in his room...

I'm trying to go with the flow but I have no idea what to do. I don't really know what to expect therefore I don't know how to plan it out/approach it. I'm just... stuck in a confused mixed up state. I get these vibes that there is something going on but then I get the vibe that we're just good friends.
For instance, Friday morning I happened to ride the elevator downstairs with him. He said that his orange watch matched my outfit so he let me borrow it. He even put it on for me and everything. Then later that night when I got to the TV lounge to join some of the RA's for a movie, I walk in and my female RA Kay says that "Jay's sitting over there if I want to be closer to him".... Whaaaaat? She'd seen me wearing his watch earlier. I wonder, has he been saying stuff about me? What is Kay thinking?! And tonight! I went in his room to return his watch and I ended up sitting down and we just talked for hours! About our lives, our philosophies, our past relationships (more like his). And when I said I was gonna leave to go to bed we somehow got to talking about pets and he showed me pics of his dog and his family and everything. I only left because some guy who lived in his hall came in needing to talk to him. He keep saying "I don't want to impose on anything.."
Is it that obvious? Are we "meant" to be together? To have a relationship? Does he really have feelings for me?
And I talked to my friend Lizzie just last night about this too. I told her about how the night of my roommate's birthday I asked to get the rest of her cake from Jay's fridge. He texted me that the door was unlocked, to come on in, but when I got there it was locked. He opened it and he was wearing no shirt! (I don't know if I mentioned this before, but Jay's ripped - 6 pack abs and everything.) Lizzie said that he def does like me because guys don't just do stuff like that by accident lol.
I don't know what to think. Am I just being forced into something with him because of what other people think? Or do I really have feelings for him? From the stories that he's shared tonight, I don't wanna break his heart again.
I don't really know what I want. All I know is that I keep wanting to send him silly little messages and give him hugs and make him smile. I want to do all that and see him everyday.. I'm just worried that I don't think I get butterflies when I see him. And in situations like this where someone could get hurt (then again people get hurt in relationships all the time -_-), the butterfly factor is BIG.
What to do..

I just want to be happy...

I just want to be happy...

Cheerleader

Sexy Heartbreak

Gnarls Barkley - Smiley Faces

Gnarls Barkley's album St. Elsewhere was totally my pick-me-up of the day (among other things). Music is the remedy that will never go out of style... ♥
As the night progressed I talked to friends and slowly entered the social world again. I'm feeling a lot better now. I guess you could say I had a "hiccup of depression"...

Can you see the sadness in my eyes?

I'm hurting inside.
I'm avoiding all my friends.
I left my phone turned off in my room.
I didn't tell anyone where I'd be.

I'm hoping this alone time will help me recooperate.
But it may just be making things worse.
I should talk to someone.
But even if I did and they listened, what would I say?
That I feel like crying for no reason?
That I feel like a passable nothing?
That I feel like I'm not being heard?
That doesn't make sense.
I'm not making any sense.

But don't worry,
these blues can't last for long.
Just give me some time, I'll be okay.
I think.

Maybe a hug would help...

Detached. Body Image.

Today I felt detached from everyone. I felt really good at times. My morning started off pretty well. I woke up unnecessarily early to go to breakfast with my roommate, who by the way seems so much more sociable! I don't know what happened over the long weekend but she's actually saying hi to people and hanging out with us a lot more, it's nice. I feel a tiny pang of jealousy that she talks more to Diem though... Oh well, at least she's talking to someone.

But yea, I went to breakfast, attended my two classes of the day, had lunch with my long-missed friends Chester and Jamal, went to my Green Team meeting, finally got a text message from Jay, talked to him for a bit, hung out with some friends, went to the gym, took a shower, did my hair, felt extremely accomplished afterward, then sat around in the lounge for a while with my friends afterward. I think it's at that point where I started to feel really.. separated. As the day came to a close, I thought about everything that happened and I guess I sort of felt unsatisfied?
It's sort of like each day is working at Macy's. Before you get the wrong idea, let me explain haha.
At Macy's I had a goal of how much to sell for each day. I feel as though I reached my goal for my personal self (though honestly, I barely touched my homework..), but not for my social self. I mean, I did hang out with people but I feel like it wasn't enough.

Or maybe I'm just feeling down because I didn't get a chance to see and talk to Jay one-on-one today. Maybe that's the reason why I'm still sitting her in the lounge looking up every time the elevator stops on this floor. Maybe I just......miss him?

Or no. Because missing someone couldn't make me want to cry like this. I'm feeling like this for a different reason not yet understood. I just have a feeling that I won't be able to sleep in I go to bed right now, though I am tired. That happened last night too. Oh, by the way, last night I sat with Jay until 2 in the morning just listening to music and doing homework. It was nice.

I haven't been getting much sleep this week... I need sleep. Instead I'll just stay up working on my friendship bracelet and hope that the bad feeling goes away.

--------

I just remembered.
I wanted to talk to my good friend Diem today.
I think I'm feeling this way because I never got to get my thoughts out...
While I was at the gym I sent her a text saying that I had a serious question to ask her.
I came back and after I showered and did my hair and everything I came back out to the lounge where she was preoccupied with a phone conversation and figuring out how to use her new Twitter account.
I never got a chance to talk to her in private tonight.
I wanted to talk about body image. My body image, to be more specific.
At the gym I looked at myself in the mirror and saw a reflection of a very thin, very tall girl. As I was stretching my arms I noticed that the girl in the mirror had forearms small enough to fit a hand around. All I wanted to accomplish was tone down the jiggle in my thighs and lose my small but protruding enough to make me hate gut. Playing volleyball, I had to stay in shape and I never got that little bulge - at one point I actually had abs! But now that I'm in college and not keeping regularly physically active, the bulge pops out again. I don't want to see it so naturally I go to the gym. I try at least once a week but today was the second time this week. For the first time I saw what others may see when they look at me. I don't want to give in to my brother's pestering, but maybe I do look anorexic...
I was going to ask Diem if I looked like I had an eating disorder. I've been trying to eat more salad (even though it tastes God-awful) and less meat. I still think that I eat a lot, just not as much as I used to. For instance, I bought a tortilla bowl thing tonight for dinner and though I'm usually able to eat the whole thing and want more, about 1/3 of it is still sitting in its container just to the left of my laptop. I feel fine. And I eat till I'm full, but is there something wrong with me? Is it just my body type that makes me so thin? I haven't checked my weight since I left home and I'm actually afraid that it may have dropped. I hope it hasn't. Maybe I should stop going to the gym.. then again, I don't want to. I want to stay fit. But when I go, do people see me as an unhealthy girl trying to be a sickly weight? I fear that's the case.
And I know I'm usually not this self-conscious and I try not to care what people think, but for some reason my reflection scared me.

I feel like crying.
My Dad called a bit ago and afterwards I called my Mom (that conversation didn't last long). I wanted to talk to Malcolm too, but he hasn't answered my text. I feel like he'd be the only one who could set my mind straight and make me feel better. Where are you when I need you? :(

And just another final note.
I find it odd how I can write out my feelings so much easier than if I had to speak them. Indeed, it does take a while to get the words just right and I end up being just a little too verbose, but I feel so much better at I write out my thoughts. Why can't I do that with other people?
Maybe that's why I should be a therapist? To help others with this sad social impairment. If they can't talk to others, they can at least always talk to me...

Okay, this essay is done. Off to work on my bracelet.

So I've come to realize that I'm HORRIBLE at flirting. It doesn't matter what anybody says. I am, period.
I was sitting in the lounge with a group of friends and, lo-and-behold, Jay comes by. Of course he sits down. He tells us that he lost his game and that he's dead. His neck was hurting so he asked me to fix it and lays his head on the top of the couch next to me. I don't know how to give massages, I'm not even gonna try. Especially not on some guy I sorta kinda like (who may or may not sorta kinda like me too) in front of a group of people I know. I just.. can't. So I poked his neck for a bit, that's it. I didn't know what to do. Looking back on it, I get the feeling he expected me to get more physical and actually give him a massage.. or at least attempt to. But I'm shy. I couldn't do it.
Sigh, my shyness will get me NOWHERE with a guy. And don't even get me started on flirting. That word doesn't exist in my vocabulary.

Oh, but wait. Just as I finish this post Jay came around again. And I told him to join me while I finish homework. He is. So let's see how this ends... Me in my robe and retainer and him in his revealing black tee. Sigh, my life..

Sometimes I feel like I'm being taken for granted.

I give a lot. Whenever one of my friends is hungry or craving a snack or needs a water, I supply it. When they need someone to go somewhere with, I go (as long as it doesn't interfere with anything else). I offer to pay, like a good person should. But as my stock deteriorates and I have nothing for myself anymore, I wonder if they actually appreciated it. Or do they just take me for granted? Do they consider me a friend or just a supply?

I wonder... What am I to them?

Sigh, these are the times I feel like a doormat. Like I'm helpless and have no voice. I'm not, and I do have a voice but.. is there a point when going out of your way to be nice and an overall good person harms instead of helps? Is this what Malcolm was warning me about all this time?

Oh but wait, Jay's here. I gotta go...

Death Cab for Cutie - Stay Young, Go Dancing

Operation Johnny

Objective: To keep my friend's hopes high and to try to make him feel better, even in the smallest way.
Reason: He means a lot to me and he should know that. He also should know that he's not alone, that he shouldn't be so stressed. I want to let him know that even if he hasn't changed the world, he at least changed one person's world.

Step 1: Send him my 1000 paper cranes in the mail for good luck.
Step 2: Save money.
Step 3: Buy a plane ticket to California for sometime around Spring Break (hopefully) and visit him.
Step 4: Somehow make or buy him a cake since he never got one for his birthday. :(

As I'm writing this I'm thinking about just how quickly things change. I'm thinking that someone's life could be taken away at any moment, someone near and dear to me at that. And that's never happened to me before...
I'm thinking that our lives have changed so much in just these past two years. Look where we are now!
I'm thinking that while one person may finally be feeling good about themselves, another person may be going through hell.
I'm glad I made that outreach last night and had that talk with him, now I can try my best to help and be there for him. I can try to give back and try to do for him what he did for me.

Time, please be on my side.

I feel... grown.

So much time has passed. And I feel mature, a lot more confident of myself that I did, say, this past summer. It feels good! I'm having fun, trying to keep up with those I care about most, trying to get a guy to notice me (unsuccessfully, but whatever haha). I'm not completely happy all the time, but I'm not sad. I'm content. I'm content with my life.

Maybe those paper cranes really did work, maybe my wish is coming true...

And earlier this week I noticed something. That I don't miss Honey Bee anymore. I don't feel mad or sad about the past. I'm over it. I've moved on and it's like a huge boulder has moved out of my path.

It's a wonderful feeling, being content.

I've been through the lows, I think it's finally time for the high points of my life.
And maybe now, since we're strangers to each other once again, I will meet Honey Bee again and we'll get to learn about and from each other allover again. Maybe someday.

I miss sleep.

This is what I do at 2:30 in the morning... sigh.

Not quite jealousy, more like annoyance... Does that make sense?

Couples piss me off. Get a room.

Though I'll admit.. some of them are pretty cute. A very small few :p

Ketchup, I don't like mustard.

Soooooo... I'm just going to make one really long post filled with all the old pictures from the past couple weeks I never posted. I'm lazy haha.
First batch: The Timeflies Concert! Woooo! That was fun. We walked around and got lost (though I pretended that I knew where I was going because.. you can't not know where you're going in Boston when you're with your suburban friends who don't know anything about Boston; they start to doubt you lol). We dressed up too much. We waited in line for an hour or so then for another hour and a half inside because they were having tech probs. Good thing we got crappy seats in the stadium cuz at least we got to sit down lol. It was really fun though. We ate Bertucci's, and had Emack & Bolio's, and I saw a cut-off shirt that was being sold for $20 (rip off, much?). Then Malcolm dropped us off back to school, after driving around the world for my cousin Richard of course. But Richard and Malcolm were soo funny so it was okay.
Best quotes of the night: "pikliz pepper spray" (Haitian joke) and "I survived Rape Towers 2012... Ask me about it"
Oh! And Cal freestyled about my high school (BLA) to "Space Jam". I was soooo excited ^_^

Second batch: All the stupid random stuff I did last week. I bought a 1D puzzle for my friend's little sis and made a really cool border. I put so much effort into it... and she's not even that close to me. Says a lot about my personality, huh? Then I painted my nails because I was procrastinating. But they look cool! I tried that newspaper thing but it didn't really come out that well so I took it off and tried to do a Batman symbol instead, that came out ehh. But my NoFace is cool! :D And I tried doing Totoro but he looks like an owl :\ I still got quite a few compliments on it. That, and my hair since I'd tried a new hairstyle. It looked like I shaved half of my head. But apparently it looked good so whatev.

Last batch: I wore a cute outfit... some day I can't remember. I turned quite a couple heads, I felt good :)

Black California map print shirt, black tights, tan cardigan, green and purple scarf, black boots, pearl studs.

And that's all folks! Have a great week!