I just feel so... ALONE.

Where Are You?

All my life I've believed the idea that if two people really mean something to each other, they will end up together. So... where are you?

Can You Hear My Heart

Staying up till 4 in the morning just to watch a Korean drama. There's no better way to spend my vacation... lol jk.
But it's a really good drama! Just in the first three episodes someone lost their memory and another person died. Two people were in comas! lol good stuff. It's a good thing I rarely cry over movies/tv shows cuz I would've been bawling my eyes out over this show.
Anyhow, I think it's time for me to get to sleep now :D

I've noticed that it's pretty much impossible for me to wake up before noon now, and I guess I know why now..... haha

Up earlier than the sun

Up earlier than the sun just to get to work. And I thought I woke up early for high school...

Oh shit.

I'm pretty nervous about my final tomorrow I've managed to spend the day sitting in a chair surfing the web. NOT good... D:

"Then tell the Wind and Fire where to stop, but don't tell me."

Book 3, Chapter 12
Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities

"When people don't express themselves, they die one piece at a time."

Laurie Halse Anderson, Speak (my favorite book)

Hanging By A Moment - Lifehouse

The best things in life aren't things.

I've been putting off going to the gym for the past 5 days now. It's actually sort of sad...
._.

That's Some Dream - Good Old War

I'm okay.
:)

I came up with all these awesome gift ideas!

I just don't have the money to get them... yet... ;)

Awwww! ♥

My Second List

I also have this other list that isn't nearly as long... It's a relationship list lol. Things that I want to do with my boyfriend whoever they are and whenever they show up.

First thing's first. In my lifetime I would like to date an Asian guy and a white guy. It's just that overtime guys of those two races have been the ones that I've seemed to fall for more often lol. They're just.. hawt! It'd be nice to actually have a relationship with one. Or you know, just let me do the dirty with Brian Puspos, that would work too ;)

South Korean band ss501

Ryan Gosling, of course

The problem with this picture though is that those clothes are covering up his lovely body... lol

Secondly, I would like to have sex with a firefighter/fireman. Call me crazy but the ones I've seen have all been pretty hot (granted they were in movies... LOL). Either way I would definitely have fun with their rippling muscles.. haha.

Third. Forehead kiss. I want my boyfriend to give me a kiss on the forehead... in the rain lol. Just kidding, kissing in the rain gets its own bullet lmao. But seriously, forehead kisses are uber cute.

Fourth. Makeout with a skateboarder. For some reason I think they're really hot. sigh*

Fifth. I'd like my boyfriend to write me a love letter. It's cute... o^-^o

Sixth. I want to buy walkie talkies and use them to talk to my boyfriend all night long! (Cell phones are so traditional lol.)

And actually that's all I have on this list for now. But I'm sure when I get a boyfriend we'll find more things to do... Not that, you nasties! lol :)

My List

I've been thinking about things that I want to do recently. And the death of that girl who went to my school, Ashley Donahue (rest in peace), really made me think about how quickly your life can be taken away. It brought me back to my list of things to do before I die and I've revised it. Some of the things on my old list were pretty out there lol.

Christina Joseph's List of Things to Do Before I Die
(aka Bucket List)

1. See the 7 Wonders of the World.
   (When looking up the list online there were lots of variations so I just listed the places that sounded most interesting and I guess I can just travel to seven... or more; the Great Wall of China, Machu Picchu, the Roman Colesseum, the Taj Mahal, the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, the Temple of Artemis, Victoria Falls, Paricutin Volcano, the Aurora in Alaska, the salt flat at Salar de Uyuni in Bolivia during the rainy season, and the Grand Canyon.)
2. Be a Big Sister.
3. Go on a road trip across America.
4. Build a snow fort.
5. Own a dog.
6. Cook a Thanksgiving meal.
7. Learn how to play the piano.
   (Or at least my favorites: River Flows Through You by Yiruma, Canon in D Major by Pachelbel, and Feather by Nujabes)
8. Learn how to meditate.
9. Take yoga classes.
10. Own a copy of Spirited Away.
11. Learn how to swim.
12. Learn 2 magic tricks, one has to be a card trick.
13. Learn how to knit.
14. Ride a horse.
15. Run in a marathon.
16. Fly a kite.
17. Make a vase.
18. Ride on a motorcycle.
19. Ride an elephant.
20. Make a floating lantern.
21. Make 1000 paper cranes.
22. Plant a tree.
23. Dine at the top of a lighthouse.
24. Go skydiving.
25. Ride in a hot air balloon.
26. Send a message in a bottle.
27. Go camping.
28. Go skinny dipping.
29. Donate blood.

Plans

I'm so done with this semester. I just need to make one last effort, study my ass off, and pass my finals. I've experienced my first semester in college, I'm used to it now. I think I've had enough haha. Over break I'm planning to repay some people, get a couple gifts, and put the rest in my bank account. Save! Save! Save!
Then in 2012 I'll get a work-study job (more saving!). I'm planning on finding some volunteering opportunities to do bothon campus and off (in Boston). I haven't done that in a while and I really like helping people, so even on my worst days I'll still have something good to look forward to :)
And in the beginning of the year I signed up for a whole bunch of clubs whose meetings I haven't exactly been attending... :/ So I'm going to get on top of that and get more involved in some of them. I'm planning on joining the Choir on campus too. I love to sing and they need more people so I may as well go for it!
Then there's also this trip to Italy my school's Nutrition department is hosting. I went to the informational meeting and there were only like 10 other people there so I don't think it'll be too bad (one person was already my friend and another was a girl who lives like 3 doors down the hall from me so it'll be a nice chance to get to know her too). It's $3500 for about 2 weeks. It's a food tour so we go around eating good food and we visit a pasta factory and take a cooking class. It sounds like so much fun! I'm hoping I can save up enough money to go (using money left over from my financial aid also), but if not I'm planning on just saving the money and going on another trip some other time or even study abroad.. We'll see...
And next semester I'm taking an Expository Writing class with the teacher that everyone hates. I hear she's super strict but some people say they really liked her class so I don't know. I only have it two times a week, it shouldn't be that bad, right? Besides, I like writing. Maybe I'll do well and actually learn something :) I hope. I'm taking that and Bio and Chem and this Anthropology class on "males and masculinities". That should be interesting. I think 2012 is going to be a good year. It has to be, things can only go up from here.

Real Music : Classical & Jazz ♥

Top: Dinah Washington, Billie Holiday, Duke Ellington, Nat King Cole, Sarah Vaughan, Ella Fitzgerald, Louis Armstrong (click it for a better look!)
Bottom: Phillip Glass

I feel like I could hibernate and just sleep for days!

Gifts

I'd much rather make people my own personalized gifts rather than buy things because, well, honestly it's because I never have money to spend haha. But not only that, I like making things with my own hands. I always put a lot of love and hard work into my gifts.. and that may not always fare well because some people don't appreciate them. However I enjoy doing it. This year I'll have a job but I still won't have any real money until late December/early January. So it looks like I'll be making gifts again lol. Or I could just do what I did last year and use my Christmas and birthday money to get the gifts I wanted to get people later.. But I ended up pretty much broke after that last year so maybe not. We'll see. I don't have that many people to get gifts for anyway. And even if there are more than expected I can always make something ;)

That brings me to Honeybee... Over the course of a few weeks she's given me a bunch of gifts which I love, no doubt. But they're for no apparent reason. Just because. And accepting so many gifts like that just makes me feel... guilty? I don't know. I just wish I had stuff to give her too! So when I give her my cheap handmade gifts I feel like they're not good enough compared to all the gifts she bought, you know?
I do have this really nice idea for a gift (yes, it's handmade lol) but I don't know.. We'll see.

Sigh, oh the woes of exhibiting love and managing money.

♪ Mele Kalikimaka ♫

It's Haiwaii's way to say "Merry Christmas"! ^-^
(Song by Bing Crosby)

Crazy Stupid Love

Now, I loved Ryan Gosling before, but now? Oh my gosh. First off, that movie was great. Funny, cute, sexy, I loved it! But Ryan taking off his clothes and showing off his amazing body just topped it off for me...

*drools*

Look at that perfect butt. Take me nowwww! lol
♥

Perennial Southern Maidenhair Fern

So delicate. So pretty...
(I saw one during my Bio Lab Practical today.)

Floating Lanterns

They're absolutely beautiful...

I had lots of fun on my sleepover with Honeybee :) I watched Tangled and it turned out to be a really good movie! A major symbol in the movie was those floating lanterns. I've never actually seen one before in real life but I'd love to make one some day.

That's like the 5th interracial couple I've seen on campus... where's my guy?!
Am I really that unapproachable? Is is my height? Is it because I'm not constantly smiling? What's wrong with me? No. What's wrong with them?!

By the way, when I left the Culture Club meeting some black girl called to me and said "Excuse me, girl from the volleyball team, is the meeting over?" I'm known as "girl from the volleyball team"... seriously? That sucks considering that I'm quitting this year. By quitting was I letting down the African American community at this school? Were they all silently rooting for me? Too late now I guess. I'll never know.

Why is it so hard to find a spot in the library?!

That's How I Do.

And after a couple of hours shut away in my room reading some fanfiction, I feel so much better. Things are looking up.


I still have that homework to do though lol.
Let's do it!
*MOTIVATED*

Emotionally Exhausted.

What a horrid way to start the day...
So much shit happened yesterday. It ended okay because Malcolm and Honeybee distracted me up but I was just so tired. Not only have I been getting very little sleep this week but it took a lot of energy to pull myself together after that incident with my sister. I didn't do any homework and I woke up dismal and run-down. I feel like I have nothing left in me. I don't want to go to class or be around my roommate. I just want to crawl under my covers and sleep. I probably seem like even more of a bitch than usual to Nina's friends.. maybe even Nina too.
I feel unmotivated, unwanted, and overall unhappy. Yet I still have that pile of work to do. Sigh. I wish this week would just end already. I have a delightful weekend planned ahead. I'm sure that's all I need.


Is it just me or do I seem to be down in the dumps more often nowadays? It's not too too often - maybe once a month - but it's strange . How is it that I have this feeling more now than I ever did in high school? How is it that in a sea of people I can still feel so alone?

Starlight

La Fable De La Girafe

AquaSixio
♥

Come Play With Me

Audrey Kawasaki
Oil on wood 11x24

Halloween group show @ Galerie Yves Laroche
2007

Shoot for the moon - even if you miss, you'll land amongst the stars. ♥

Just get me this and a plane ticket to California for Christmas. Or just get me a trip to Japan. That would work too lol.

Deep Exhale...

Sarah Dessen

I spent the majority of my day reading Just Listen and I was severely disappointed when I finished. I got over halfway through it then I couldn't help but skip pages at a time and skim for the most interesting parts. I guess ever since that summer I read a stack of her books and a whole bunch of other teen romances, the plot doesn't interest me anymore. Her stories are always the same: Girl has a problem (she's been sexually assaulted, her parents are breaking up, she lost her best friend, someone died, etc.), Girl has trouble coping and growing up, Magical Guy comes along and "saves" her, they get together, they break up, she gets her life together, they get back together again, they live happily ever after. It's stupid. She recycles the same storyline and pumps out another book for romantic tweens with unrealistic expectations of their first relationship to scoop up diligently. Ridiculous. How is she making so much money off this crap? It's not even remotely realistic. And would it kill her to have a female main character than solves her own problems? Does a guy have to come along in her life for her to realize what she has to do? Do heroines not exist anymore?

By the way, one character in that book was described as having "olive skin" and "dark hair"........ seriously? That's happened in pretty much every other book I've read that mentions a black person. Is it considered inappropriate for an author to say that a character is "black" or "African American"? How about just "dark skinned"?

It's hard being in a college setting when you're an introvert.

I'm sure people think I'm awkward when I don't speak up and talk about my life. They find it strange that sometimes I like to spend all day in my room alone. It sounds sad but I actually sort of like the peace and quiet. On the other hand I realize that I only have a handful of of friends to hang out with, and of those people, even less actually care about me.
Not only that but I come off as a bitch sometimes. I don't mean to be, it's just that people don't like some of the things I say. I'm critical, I make snide comments a lot. If they got to know me though they'd see that I'm a lovable, caring person.

It's tough making new friends, period. I wish I could just go back to high school and be with the people I know and love, but I can't.

Emma Watson

Vogue Italia photoshoot
Mark Seliger

Emma Watson. Actress. Model. Drop dead gorgeous. One day I decided to check out all the hype about her and I realized she started modeling for a bunch of famous fashion magazines. It came out of nowhere. I sorta wish something like that would happen to me. I want to be discovered on the street one day and just be swept away into the fashion industry. I want to travel all over the world and wear amazing clothes and jewelry and actually be thought of as beautiful. That'd be nice...

M83 - Midnight City

Brilliante musique. ♥

And now I beat myself up for holding my thoughts in. So much for my speaking up rule. I'm just breaking myself down now... >_<"

Glow

North Star

"Tsuri No Ma" Crane's Dance

Audrey Kawasaki
Oil and graphite on wood 34.5"x24"
"Hajimari"@Jonathan Levine Gallery in NY
2009

Tattoos

Tattoos have become increasingly popular nowadays.... I think Chris Brown started it. Think about it, he disappeared for a while and when he came back, more popular than ever, he was covered in tattoos lol jk. But seriously, every other person and their sister have tattoos. I'm not against the idea at all.. as long as you get it for a good reason. My roomie Nina told me about one of her friends who got a tattoo of a crown pretty much on her cooch to "always remind her that she needs to be treated like a queen"........ seriously? That is not a good reason.
I have a plan for when/if I actually decide to get a tattoo. I'm definitely getting a star (for reasons somewhat personal.. but not really haha). Yeah, I know that lots of people get star tattoos but not everyone has a person to tie it to like I do! I really want it to be somewhere visible like on my wrist but I heard that hurts like a mother :/ We'll see..
And the other tattoo I'd like would be one of a giraffe like the one in that pic. Isn't it awesome?!?! So many people dear to me have told me to "stand tall"; those words are a great confidence booster. Cons: I have dark skin so it probably won't look as nice and I want to be able to see my tattoos/I'd rather not have one on my shoulder.
I used to want a TWLOHA tattoo too, just like a heart with the word love in or near it. But again, these are all just ideas. Maybe someday... ♥

Relationships..

Too true...

They're adorable.
Actually, they're relationship is adorable. Someday I want that for myself...

ISFJ

Introvered. Sensor. Feeler. Judger?

Brian Puspos

Choreographing to Chris Brown's "Wet the Bed". I know this video is sorta old but OHMYGOSH. Watching him dance turns me on every single timeeeeeee... ♥ *happysigh*
Of course, it's a sexy song too. I'm def gonna download it.

Pep Talk

So what if I'm having a couple bad days? Am I just gonna curl up in a ball and give up? No. I'm gonna get through this the best I can and try again. Each day brings the opportunity to start anew. And this is my time to shine. I'll figure out my life, I'll figure out what I'm going to do. I hold the reigns to my own destiny..

Two weeks ago I was having a really tough time (academically, emotionally, physically...). Actually, I sort of still am having a tough time, but I'm doing a bit better than I was then. One morning I was in all sorts of disarray so I wrote down this little pep talk. The only problem is that I did the opposite of what I was supposed to do. That day I stayed in bed. I curled up in a ball and gave up. No more. I will get through this! >:[

Looking in my yearbook...

"When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead, you can look beside you and your best friend will be there."

Closure..?

It's a relief knowing that we both still need each other, that my support and opinions and overall existence as "best friend" still matter to her and vice versa.. but without actually seeing her and having some sort of constant communication I feel like this understanding we have now can only last for so long. It's almost like we've taken a step forward only to take two steps back later.
I can't pinpoint exactly where we went wrong. I'd like to say that it was just distance (going to two different schools) keeping us apart - just like with my past two besties, but it's not. Our constant "breaks" are proof. They happened all throughout high school, a building we both visited to daily. Sure, seeing each other on a regular basis helped us receive and give constant updates but sometimes that wasn't enough.
Still I guess every relationship has its ups and downs. She's been there for me countless times and I'd love to be there for her when she needs me (physically, emotionally, I'm here to give support), even 10 years from now. We just need to find a way to stay in each others' lives, if we truly mean that much to one another. And yes, to me she really does mean that much to me. I don't think any other person has changed my definition of a word before.. [star.....]

"miss you"

how easily words can break down barriers! if liz hadn't have prompted me to ask her to go to the concert i wouldn't have talked to her (until the weekend, that is). and if she hadn't have sent those two words, i still would've been feeling disconnected, incomplete, like she hated me.
communication is key. don't be afraid to say how you feel, even if you feel vulnerable saying it. because opening up can start amazing things or in this case, rekindle amazing friendships. love you!

Distance

It's like a, what, maybe 7 minute drive from Natick mall to Framingham State? I wonder...

As I Fall

Audrey Kawasaki
Mixed media on wood 14"x11"
'The Drawing Show' @ Thinkspace
2008

It's So Empty Here

Audrey Kawasaki
Oil and graphite on wood panel 12”x12”
Outre Gallery. Australia.
2010

"I wanted words, but all I heard was nothing..."

Distractions are just that - distractions until you get back to real life... until you get to the real issues at hand.

And that's when all my sadness comes flooding back.. at the end of the day.

New Heights - Peaches

Je suis une étoile solitaire.

:(

The Silent Treatment

The lonely silence, the unknown thoughts, the muted words.. it's killing me!

The Temper Trap - Soldier On

summary of my mood. the slow pace, the vocals, the guitar, the drums. it's time stopping.

On my way to Dartmouth for volleyball..

It just would've been nice to know that someone who cares about me will be there cheering me on, be it family or friend. If they care, that is.

I guess I should just give up on a regular, healthy sleep schedule now.

I miss sleep :(

Procrastination

YES.

Gym Class Heroes - Stereo Hearts ft. Adam Levine

Love this song! ♥

LMFAO - Yes

Everyday I see my dream...

Time Management

So I've been trying to work on my time management skills ever since Malcolm started drilling the concept into my head back in middle school. And I'm still not very good at it.
This weekend has been pretty fun. Friday's Halloween dinner was delicious, I laughed a lot at the dance, I wasn't completely pissed off at Saturday's games, the BSU party was bumpinnnn, and I got to spend more time with a new friend. But come Sunday night I just could not properly focus on my work. After sleeping at like 4 in the morning, I woke up at 1pm. From there I went to brunch, did my laundry, and later went to lunch. But sometime after that when I was actually starting on my work, the fact that I had 3 tests and a quiz to study for didn't quite register into my brain. So at some point I got tired and took a nap. And after finishing studying for IT, I moved on to Precalc. By then it was probably midnight and I was having trouble with it. So I did what I could and moved on... and now I'm here. I left the biggest, most important subject for last. I have no idea how I'm gonna pull off that Bio test tomorrow. I've learned pretty much nothing in that class these last two weeks. This sucks. But I figure had I managed my time better I would've been more focused and gotten more work done. Sigh. Wish me luck tomor-today peoples! I'm gonna be running on maybe 2 hours of sleep.
Oh college...

Switchfoot - Meant to Live

I heard this song earlier today and I just forgot how great a song it was...
Anyhow, I'm getting ready for that party later on tonight. Wish me luck on the dance floor ;) I'm actually pretty nervous. I don't know what to wear! I don't have partying clothes like that! I won't even mention dancing. I wish my old friends were here so I could dance with them and not feel like a complete idiot..

THIRSTY THURSDAY!

It's Thursday and you know what I'm doing...
having some Mini Rigatoni Pasta with Vodka Cream Sauce.



Hell yeah, I'm going hard tonight >:)

S.M. the Ballad - Hot Times

I gotta be honest, I have absolutely no idea what these guys are saying, but their voices are angelic. This song is like sex to my ears lmao. I really like... Jonghyun? And that guy with the bow tie! ^_^ <3

K-Pop Trip :)

SNSD, Big Bang, Son Dan Bi, SHINee, SS501, Taeyang, Se7en... ♥

Grits - My Life Be Like (Ooh Aah)

Deleting Friends

I'm going through my list of Facebook friends and I'm deleting everyone I don't know anymore. It's one thing to have known someone (as in you went to school with them for 6 years...) but when you fall upon their profile to see that they're in some other country doing something you never thought they'd be doing and either you haven't spoken to them since you've become friends on Facebook or you've never talked to them in person, then you may as well be a complete stranger to me. Therefore, I'm deleting you from my list of friends on my Facebook.
It's actually sort of depressing. I go through all these people and it occurs to me that I barely ever knew them at all... It shows me just how few friends I have. But I guess in the end I'd rather have a handful of true friends than hundreds of strangers called friends.

Robyn - Call Your Girlfriend

I don't remember if I already posted this song before, but I just have to reiterate that it's amazing. The fact that all she's doing in the video is dancing makes me love Robyn even more haha :)
Body Talk was an amazing album. It was just hit after hit. Indestructible, Hang With Me, Dancing On My Own, and of course Call Your Girlfriend... <3

Far East Movement - Rocketeer ft. Ryan Tedder

Did I ever mention how much I loved this video? It has all the things I love: interracial relationships, skateboarders, Asians, and Victor Kim! lol <3
Love this song :)

Mike Posner - Please Don't Go

I was just listening to Bow Chicka Wow Wow and that reminded me of his much better song Please Don't Go lol. Although I don't like his blatant advertising of Duke University, the girl's bikini-top-cut-off-shorts-and-boots outfit, his large head, or the way his face looks when he's running in the video, I gotta say that I absolutely love the techno-y breakdown part of the song (and video, of course). The first time I saw it I thought something was wrong with my computer lol. But it's a lovely song and I really like the scenery :)

New Leaf

I went home last weekend and found a lovely little daisy growing in the most unusual little place. That's one bold flower... <3

I knew I should've just left it alone.. but now I feel the need to clarify things. My lack of experience doesn't "irk" me at all. You can do whatever you want. What irks me is your boyfriend.

I hate to be so blunt because I thought I would've gotten over it by now, but obviously I haven't. It's just that I've made a life decision/goal not to be so passive anymore.

For some reason I always end up censoring what I say when I talk to my friends. I never quite get out what's on my mind. I don't know why it's so automatic. Maybe it's because I'm worried about seeming rude or of hurting someone's feelings or of losing a friend... But then, I should be able to tell my friends pretty much anything, right? Sigh.
I should've just left it alone.

Definition

Text anxiety (noun) : The feelings of uncertainty and fear when receiving a message (voice or text) that you are worried about.

I'm so done.

To the bitch on the team named Kayla who I accidentally hit with the door after practice today:
GET OFF YOUR HIGH HORSE. You are in no way better than I am. I said sorry and I don't know if you were just having a bad day or something but, you know, it's common courtesy to respond when someone asks if you're okay. For some reason you just walked right by me. You didn't look at me, you didn't say a word. All right bitch, I'll keep that in mind for the next time something like that happens. And fyi, if I wanted to hit you with a door, I would've done it a LONG time ago...


I'm SO done with people walking all over me. I will be passive no more. You'd better believe things are gonna start changing right now.

Oh Tall Justin, we're alike in so many ways lol.

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

I Can't Wait - Nu Shooz

This song has been stuck in my head ever since I heard it in the the store me and my friends went to this afternoon! I finally found it! :D

Ella Fitzgerald & Louis Armstrong

Jazz trip... ♥

HAHAHAHAHA! Christmas came early, huh? lol
This is my feel good funny of the day. Cyanide & Happiness :)

Be warned: Their humor is dark, it might not be humorous to some...


Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

You're Unbelievable.

In a good way :)
YOU ROCK! <3

Trying to Sum Up My Feelings...

It's one in the morning, my parents are sleeping in their room, my brother and sister both went out and I'm here at home in my room on my laptop. I'm sure listening to this depressing piano music isn't helping but I feel almost as if.. a piece of me is dying inside. That sounds pretty drastic, I know. Maybe I should say.. I feel as if this stillness in the house will never end. And that sort of scares me. Every time I come home I end up having a moment to myself where I just feel absolutely alone. This room that I've lived in for 18 years has turned into a storage room for my sister. Yes, all my stuff is still up on the walls and in my shelves and everything but it doesn't feel the same. Even though no one has slept in it, this bed is no longer my bed. That's how it feels at least. And today I realized that I started calling my dorm room home. It was like a smack in the face haha.
Earlier I was looking at a bunch of old pictures from the last year or so and it all feels like a dream, you know? I can remember what was happening in each of those pictures but it feels so distant. Like a dream. Like my life is passing by before my eyes. Like at the end of the day I can't smile because nothing I've done has brought me true happiness.... That's a lie. I'm proud of a lot of things I've done. Though I can't say that I smile every night. I don't smile much at all anyway. That's sad.

Ramble ramble ramble.
Basically I'm describing this lost feeling I have now. Just another stage in life I guess. The question is when will I get back on track? And how? When will I be able to look back at all those photographs and memories and not feel like I've lost anything, like I lost a whole other life?

My Hair ♥

I'm a degree happier now knowing that my natural hair is free.

I've been thinking..

Last night the thought occurred to me and I today I've decided. I'm not going to play volleyball for this school next year. My reasons? I actually have a couple.
Currently on the team there are three juniors, three sophomores, and seven freshmen, including me. That means that next year (unless I turn into a killer and magically learn how to hit 1's overnight) I'll probably be playing just as often as I do now: rarely - even if we don't get any more new players. Plus there have been more than a couple times when my so-called teammates have pissed me off. After yesterday's game when we were taking down the net I found myself pushing the cart with the poles and nets and everything by myself. I've been doing that for the past couple of days so I'm used to it but yesterday no one was holding the gym door open for me. They were all changing their clothes on the other side of the gym getting ready to leave. I had to wait for some random kid to hold it open for me. How fucking messed up is that?! And today? We had a "light" practice working with the trainer. After she left we were supposed to serve for a bit. Tell me why me and like 3 other girls were the only ones at least trying to help put up the net. The rest were busy talking away laughing about something not at all related to practice. Things like that piss me the fuck off. When two girls were trying to tighten the net some girls kept serving... and missing making it harder for the girls working on the net. It's like they have no respect and no common sense. Let's say at dinner (when I used to eat dinner with the team - I avoid it now because it annoys me so much) I would be sitting with three girls who would be having a conversation. One would ask "oh, how'd it go with so-and-so last night?" and they'd reply "oh, i'll tell you later." It's as if they don't want to say anything in front of me (this has happened on bus rides from away games too! they'd whisper to each other about going to some club together or something like they wouldn't want me to hear when I'm literally sitting behind you and I already know that you're going, I just don't want to go anywhere with you guys). Honestly, what you say won't change my opinion of you at all. I already think you're a slutty bitch, now I just think you're rude and inconsiderate on top of it. UGH!
I mean, as individuals I can learn to appreciate each team member. I even like to have some of them as friends! But I absolutely hate them as a team. They branch off into their little cliques and all they do is talk shit about each other. It's ridiculous. They make fun of each other behind each others' backs all the time! I don't know if it's just a girl thing but it makes me furious how much this team is not a team. I don't want to be a part of it anymore. I'd rather play at BCNC with people who appreciate me. I don't want to stand on the sidelines taking stats and cheer for a team that doesn't care about me. What's the point?
It's been an interesting year so far. Yes, it's been a decent experience. I've learned that I'm not even a "good" hitter (according to my coach). I've learned what my tolerance level for some people is. But I can't stay with this team any longer. They suck.

I skipped today mothafuckkaaazzzzz!!! Lmao.

Last night I came back from the game and I was just completely exhausted. I couldn't do like any of my work and I decided that I was gonna skip today. Well I did it! I woke up earlier, went to take my Precalc test first period, came back and fell asleep. I didn't have a chance to really study for the test, but I tried it anyway. I think I got the first half right.. but that doesn't say much about the second half because I completely skipped one question and there were only four on the entire test :\ I hope I got a.. decent score (as in above 50 lol). Anyway I just woke up and aside from being scared shitless of my blaring alarm radio, I feel amazing! This wasn't the first time I've skipped a class, but it's definitely the first time I've skipped 3 in a row haha.

I am so bad >:3

And this morning while I was at breakfast with my roommate and another friend this girl came up to our table and told me that she loved my hair! ^_^ I love getting compliments in the morning haha. She came by again after putting away her plate and asked if it was natural and I said yes (6 months and going mothafuckkkaaaaaa.... is what I wanted to say lol ._. ) then she introduced herself to me and my friends. Angela. I hope I don't forget that name. She looked like a fashion major considering the fact that she was just wearing a red oversized sweater and heels. But yea, it made me feel pretty special (because I literally just pulled back my hair with a clip today haha). Yay me! ♥

Remember when pizza parties used to be the shit?

LOL.
Those days when having a pizza party was the ultimate goal for working in a group. Haha, but yea, that was back in elementary and middle school... back when one slice of pizza could actually fill you up lmao.

Don't be afraid to speak your mind.

If you want to say something, say it. If you want to do something, do it! Don't let anyone stand in your way of doing what you want to do. You have the strength, the brains, and the ability - use it. Be confident.

Owww!

I think I have a(nother) cavity D:
I checked on WedMD earlier for signs of a cavity and it said that having toothaches after eating sweet things or hot or cold liquids is most likely a sign. That's not good because I've been having tooth aches for the past week and a half or so :(
And I have no idea when I'll be able to go to the dentist because the one I go to in Boston is only open in the mornings on Saturdays. And I have class and practice all week and games on the weekends. Great.
Darn my addiction to candy!
:(

Fading friends. It's a topic that I may know a bit too much about. It's never a good feeling knowing that you're losing touch with a close friend. And even if, in reality, you aren't, the doubt that you are is absolutely paralyzing.
Two friends. Overtime I've lost two best friends to distance. When we moved apart we experienced different things and became different people afn come the time we reunited, we were strangers all over again. I've moved onto my third best friend now and I can't help but feel like the story will end the same way. I can't part with the idea that I'm the one doing something wrong. Am I not communicating enough? Am I no longer trustworthy? Am I not being a good friend? Or is this all in my head? Is this just a side effect of that evil doubt sheltered in the back of my mind? What's happening?
I know I write about this all too often but it's something - it's about someone all too dear to me.

There was once a time when I said I would never have another best friend too. Because the pain of us parting hurt too much. It sounds like... falling in love lol. It's as if I can't help getting attached to one friend over all my others.

L'art de L'amitié

Just an old post from 1/25/11 I never finished until now lol.

Friendship is a funny thing.Recently in Biomedical Science I've been learning about the brain and how it functions. It's amazing to know that every thought you have, everything you percieve, every emotion you feel, every function you do is due to the network of neurons in your brain and the near-invisible neurotransmitters passed throughout it.
Incredible.

Old Post Two

Just an old post from 8/8/11 I never finished until tonight lol.

Having dealt with a funeral recently (the person wasn't that close to me, thank goodness, but it was still very sad)... I would like to put the FUN in my funeral! :D lol just kidding. In the unfortunate event that my life gets taken away from me before my time I have a few specific ideas about how I would like my funeral. I'm hoping that someone finds this and tells my family if something ever does happen.
First of all, I don't want to be buried. I would like to be cremated. And if possible, I'd like my ashes to be spread into the sea so I can travel the world (something I've always wanted to do) in my afterlife :)
Secondly, I'm sure my family will have a wake. During the wake I would like the songs "In the Arms of an Angel" and "I Will Remember You" by Sarah McLaughlin to be played. I actually don't like listening to either of those songs because they bring up bad memories haha, but at my funeral I'm sure they'll soothe some people. Sarah has quite a lovely voice, I must admit.
Third, I request that my immediate family wears white instead of black. My extended family is welcome to do the same. Black is such a depressing color. Wear white! Don't mourn me, be proud of the life that I've lived, honor it.
Fourth, I don't want any roses at the wake. I just think they're so... cliche. I do like the fact that they last a lot longer than any other flower, but I don't prefer them. Find some orange flowers if you can please!

And I think that's pretty much it. Overall, the important thing is that my family respects my wish to be cremated, not buried. I realize that this is a weird thing to write about but we talk about death in my family all the time lol. My mom works in hospice care. She takes care of elderly about to die and death is pretty much second nature to her so I've never found it weird to talk about people's deaths, including my own haha.

Old Post One

Just some old post from 6/23/11 I never finished until tonight lol.

WHY DO THE BEST RELATIONSHIPS ON SKINS ALWAYS END THE WORST? D: Jal+Chris, Effy+Freddie ♥

Best Quotes :)

Effy: That milk's two week old.
Sid: It's OK. I put some cocoa powder in it. It's a bit chewy, that's all.

Sid: Yeah, I hear what you're saying, Tone, but well, 1) I wasn't talking about her, b) today's about a) Chris, and b) results, so that leaves no room for 3) Cassie, and d) it's none of your business? ...I got that sorta confused.

Matty: You're beautiful.
Franky: No. No I'm not. I'm... I'm a no-good shit magnet. I'm nothing.
Matty: So why do I see a glorious fucking headfuck thing? <--- Lmao. Best compliment ever.

Teacher: F*ck is good. F*ck is poetic expression for the uneseeable soul.

Au Naturale

I've been going natural since March 2011. And I'm liking my decision more and more each day :)

"Don't you love my limited photo-editing skills? lol"

I miss that girl.

Cream Cheese.

I'm a picky eater, I'll admit it. Not only am I allergic to a bunch of different things but I just don't eat certain foods because I don't like their taste. I can't help it. I think I get it from my mom.
Well there are some foods that I just don't like that I don't even remember trying. For instance, today someone gave me a packet of cream cheese to eat with a bagel. I honestly don't remember the last time I tried cream cheese, all I know is that it doesn't please my taste buds. But I wanted to give it a try just to make sure I really didn't like it. So I did. And honestly? .......... it tasted like crap. Whoever thought of putting cheese on a bagel was an idiot (unless we're talking about pizza bagels, because that was a genius idea). So I guess the moral from that was to just trust my instincts? Oh well lol.

Awkward.

So I went to the movies with my roommate yesterday and we saw 50/50. She pointed out to me afterwards that I was laughing at scenes no one else was laughing at. Sure, I realized I was doing it at the time because of the deafening silence I would hear after I laughed, but I didn't think it was that bad haha. I guess I just laugh at awkward or uncomfortable situations. Although... 50/50 is a movie about some guy battling cancer so in the end I look like an asshole for laughing. Nice.

Nature Trip

No, haha, I didn't take these pictures while on a nature trip. I just happen to really like these pictures. The upper left and bottom right pictures are of Ginko Biloba trees. There's one on campus here. I noticed its leaves one day and noted it because they were so unique. The upper right picture is of a monkey flower, an orange one to be more specific haha. The name and color just fits me so well! x) And the bottom left picture is of a yellow sticky monkey flower. That picture is stunning, period. I just had to throw it in my collage haha. But yea, aren't these plants so pretty? Take a second and look at all the nature around you. You'll find that it truly is amazing. <3

That'd be awesome if I could have orange monkey flowers at my wedding LOL!

Today was just one of those "why am I even on this team?" days. Not too great.

My solution = MUSIC

So... the first time I heard Clara C sing I got chills. And listening to Adele's song Someone Like You right now is giving me those same chills. It's so weird.

It's such a sad song but it's also really moving. Her words and voice combine to make a truly powerful song. I've never really felt a heartbreak like that before but my goodness, I feel like I get a hint of how it feels listening to this song.

...DOWNLOADING IT! lol (don't worry, I'm actually buying it)

TIFFANY LAM! I'm so sorry! HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR!

BEST FRIEND..

Where've you gone? :(
Don't you remember what I said? Don't lose touch...

I was sort of just waiting for that moment when I broke down and cried and had this insatiable need to go home but you know what? I'm okay with the way things are. Not waking up to see my family every day took some getting used to but after a while I realized that I'm doing fine without them. I don't really feel homesick. Of course I still want to see them and all my friends again like I used to, but I can wait.
I'm in a good place right now. Aside from complications with volleyball, I'm doing fine in university (:

Yay me!

OB helps ME.

I was feeling crappy the other day (because my team left me to go to an away game because I was late... I was under the impression that we were supposed to meet at 4:30 rather than 4:15.... and even though half the people in the van had my number, no one called or texted me anything -_- so much for making me feel like I'm actually part of the team. I guess they don't need me to stand on the sidelines and do stats anymore. I may as well just quit, I never play anyway...) so I wrote an Operation Beautiful note to cheer me up. I wrote a few others and posted them up in the bathrooms on my floor (luckily I live on an all girls floor). When I went over to the elevators an hour later I saw that someone else put up an OB note too. It made me smileeeee! It felt so good to know that my message got across to someone. It majorly improved my mood. Not only that, but the note that I wrote to myself is still up in the bathroom in my hall so every morning when I go to the bathroom I have that note there to motivate me.. and motivate others as well!

Operation Beautiful, it's a beautiful thing :)

"You are stong, you are smart, you are important, you are loved. Remember that.
Stay beautiful <3"

Day 17

Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why.

Honestly, I've never thought about switching lives with anyone... Actually I take that back, I've always wondered what it'd be like to be a guy lol. But I really wouldn't want to actually switch lives with one. I like the life I have. And yes, people always say that they want to see from another person's perspective, but things wouldn't be the same if you actually could. Everyone has different experiences for a reason. So that we can learn to look outside the box. So that we can try to see things from another's perspective. So that we all take that extra effort to relate to each other just a little bit more. So that we can learn to accept others the way they are. Therefore if I had the chance to switch lives with someone for a day, I wouldn't do it.
Yea, that was a long explanation but it made sense in my head haha :)

(:

Dear Erin Whateverthefuckyourlastnameis,

I don't like you.

Since the first couple of days practicing with you, you seemed like someone I couldn't trust, much less befriend. You were always talking about people behind their backs. You made fun of them and you always seemed to be whispering something to someone else. For all I know you've been talking about me too. But today during practice when you told me to do the suicides right you really pissed me off. You came up to me an literally walked me throuhg an entire suicide, telling me which lines to stop at. What you didn't know is that I did the suicide right. I stopped at every line and bent down to touch each one too. Morgan can testify too because she was right next to me when I did it. The only reason you "saw me ahead of everyone else" is because I was faster. Don't accuse me of doing the drill wrong because I just so happen to run faster than you, bitch. Coach doesn't have me playing in games so I push myself harder in practice to get some sort of exercise. Mind your own damn business. If you'd like to correct me, check yourself first. Come at me again and I promise you an argument will arise. You may be older than me, you may have been on this team longer, but you know NOTHING about me and what I can do. Fall back bitch. And lay off the eye makeup. That plus the 6 different colors in your hair makes you look like you're high... all the time.

Love, Cjoe

P.S. Don't mess with me.

Stillness

There are days when I feel perfectly fine, at peace with being on my own here, but then there are other days when I look back at old pictures with my friends and I feel off balance. I don't feel whole. I feel awkward and homesick. There are days like today when I wish I could just turn back time and relive those moments with my family and friends. Days when I want to just slow down the world and take a breather. Days when I want to curl into a ball under my soft orange covers and just cry my insecurities away. I'm eighteen years old. I'm living in a residence hall in the dead town of Framingham. I won't say that I'm on my own because I know that my family supports me 110%, as do my friends. But when I talk to them on the phone or through a webcam I wish that our conversations would last longer. I wish there weren't so many awkward silences. I wish I didn't have to press 'End Call'. I want them to be here with me because it's hard being dropped off in a strange place. It's hard making new friends. It's hard watching everyone around you make friends faster, leaving you feeling like a loner. I have to step out of my shell. Every day I find myself disliking the volleyball girls more and more (except for one or two). They're secretive and don't really include me in things anymore. I don't like their personalities. I have to make new friends, I just don't know how. Or if I can..

Take me back to the time when we were kids. When it wasn't hard to find someone to hang out with. When you could make a friend in mere seconds. Take me back to those days when I knew where I belonged, when I was sure of myself, when I felt... at home.

Day 16

Something you could live without.

I could live without.. makeup. I don't wear it haha. I don't see the point in putting on a mask. Long lashes and red lips are society's definition of beauty, not mine. People waste so much time and money on it and for what? A second glance? A compliment? Ehh, I'll stick with my natural features. But you know, sometimes even I think I look manly. Because all my life I've had this image of a beautiful woman in my head: thin, large chest, long hair, pretty face, makeup... I can't help but compare myself to that unattainable image. Sigh. And now I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. Goodnight.

Day 15

Put your iPod on shuffle & share the first 10 songs that play.

1. First Time -- Lifehouse
2. Bet I -- B.o.B. feat. T.I. & Playboy Tre
3. Gutter -- Paper Route
4. The Anthem -- Good Charlotte
5. No Such Thing -- John Mayer
6. Imperfect Is The New Perfect -- Caitlin Crosby
7. River Flows In You -- Yiruma
8. Tonight -- Jonas Brothers
9. Autumn -- Sparks The Rescue
10. Closer -- Anberlin
    

Day 14

A picture of something you ate and 10 confessions.

I stole this from my house on Sunday and I've slowly being eating the whole quart by myself smh. Literally like 15 minutes ago I almost finished it. And now my stomach is bulging out and I feel fat and lazy :\

1. Today we (the volleyball team) had our first scrimmage with CCRI (Community College of Rhode Island or something like that) and I didn't get to play. Coach said that I was supposed to go in during the 5th set because usually there's 5, but tonight there were just 4 sets soo.... yea. I don't know. When it started I got really upset that he wanted me to do stats and I started doubting my decision to stay on the team. I do that a lot nowadays. Maybe it wasn't the right decision... :(
2. I really miss my Boston/high school/Asian friends. Every day I'm liking my teammates less and less (except for one or two). I just don't like their personalities. They constantly talk about other teammates behind their backs, they act stupid, and they whisper and giggle to each other in front of everyone else. I can only imagine that they talk about me behind my back too.
3. It's as if each day I spend here I lose sight of myself and what I came here for. I'm not sure of myself anymore.
4. Right now I sort of feel like bawling my eyes out.
5. I hope I get along with my roommate nicely. She's already friends with one of the girls on the volleyball team (one of the ones I genuinely like) so we shouldn't have too much trouble.
6. I've accepted who I am for the most part, but there are still those days when I look in the mirror and just want to wipe what I see away. Those days are actually becoming more frequent.
7. I'm holding back tears right now.
8. I feel as though I don't belong on the volleyball team, like I'm an outsider. I'm afraid I'll be a loner for the rest of my time here, that I won't find a real friend.
9. I miss home and my family and my bed and.. those childish days when I could do things without having to worry about scary moments like this.
10. Ummm... I was very close to losing my lip virginity (haha my first kiss) to my best friend. But that was like 3 years ago lol.
    

Day 13

Write a letter telling someone something you could never tell them.

Haha. I've done this on Facebook a couple times.. of course, I bleeped out some words and names from it so that people couldn't tell who I was talking about lol. My only problem now is deciding on who to write to.

Dear Dinah,

How did our relationship turn out the way it did? How is it that you can be my flesh and blood sister and I am able to still feel not much of anything for you? I've always blamed it on the fact that we were born five years apart. I blame the fact that you never played with me and the fact that you were forced to take me places on that age difference. When I was just a kid you were already in your tween/teen years. Of course you had grown out of that Barbie phase. But there's always that little piece of my mind that thinks that you never liked me to begin with. Maybe you were jealous that I stole your spot as the youngest child. The are a limited number of times I remember you actually showing affection for me. Once was back when we shared a room. Mom and Dad were fighting, yelling loud, and it scared me. I started crying on my bed and you asked me what was wrong. You climbed on the bed with me and held me telling me that it was okay. You stayed with me until I stopped crying. You made me feel safe. The other time was when you wrote me a letter. In it you said things like "I know it seems like I don't care about you, but I love you little sister." It was special, it put a big smile on my face. Too bad I don't know where that letter is now... But those small moments almost don't compare to all the other times we've screamed at each other, all those other times we nearly started throwing punches. I feel as though we'll never have that sisterly bond that I've always wished for. It's just too late. It's too late for us to hang out and for it to feel normal. We've never been close and I don't think we ever will be.

And you know what? Last week when Mom was offering you fish and you said "give it to Christina" that really hurt me. What's wrong with you? I know our personalities are completely different, but do you have to be such a bitch to everyone in the family all the time? Sigh.

Signed,

Little Sister

Day 12

A picture of your room & don’t cheat by cleaning it. Share a secret.

Dorm livin' motha chuckaaaas! x)
How many Domo's can you spot? haha.

Secret: I hope my roommate doesn't think I'm weird (cuz of all the Domo stuff or that Joker poster I "borrowed" from my brother) or childish (cuz of the stuffed animals I sleep with)... D:

Day 11

A picture of something you dislike.

I dislike how so many beautiful girls around the world feel like they have to change themselves somehow just to be considered beautiful by society's definition. It's ridiculous. Makeup, diets, plastic surgery, you don't need it! YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL JUST THE WAY YOU ARE! YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH!

www.operationbeautiful.com

Day 10

A story about a past relationship.

I was going to write about a crush I've had before but I looked through some of my old posts and saw that I've pretty much wrote about them all (the major ones at least haha). Actually, the first three posts I ever made were about my first crushes. (Look for Ahh, the Hopeless Romantic: Parts I-III.) The only crush I don't think I really went into was the one I had on Frank-o-bean. Last week I would've said the same thing that I thought for the past like 3 years, that if things were a bit different, if he were a bit taller, Frank would be a wonderful boyfriend, that I'd definitely go out with him. But the last time I met with him (Friday) things were different. He was different. He was still sweet and caring and made me laugh and could hold a conversation with me with no problem but there was something.. off. First off we went to the Cheesecake Factory and the environment seemed too.. romantic. And secondly he was telling me about all the things that he did like going on a bunch of different diets and all this stuff. He even confessed to me that he's been going out and getting drunk like every weekend. There's something wrong. He's stressed, maybe even depressed. I just wish I could help somehow! :[
But yea, he's a great guy. My Frank-o-bean :) Our relationship's not over though, things have just changed..

Day 09

Something/someone you’re proud of.

Can I just cheat and say that I'm proud of myself? I mean, sure there are other people that I'm proud of like Twinn, Honey Bee, Chupson, etc. but I'm just sorta kinda concerned with myself right about now haha. I spent most of the last month preparing for the fashion show and guess what? It turned out great. I sold like 20 tickets (with help from my mom haha) and my family really liked it. It took a lot of work. Then pretty much the day afterward I got all my stuff packed up and ready for school. I've spent the last few days working my butt off at volleyball practice. I still get frustrated like there's no tomorrow and I still feel like everyone on that court is better than me but I have people supporting me through this. I have family and friends who have got my back. I have people who believe in me. I can do this. I will get better. I will be on the same level as those other players or maybe even better some day. I am proud of everything that I've done so far. I am proud of me.

Day 08

Short term goals for this month and why.

You know, at the beginning of this month after I came back from Haiti and New Hampshire, I listed out everything I needed to do and buy. Time passed and I barely got any of them done. I didn't get Thomas his Godiva shake, I didn't take the commuter rail to Salem and eat at Howling Wolf Taquiero, I didn't go to Canobie with the Gang (my cousins), I didn't hang out with Derek or Khanh, I didn't volunteer, I didn't even get my permit -_-

But I did get through that fashion show, sold over 15 tickets, learned how to play mahjong, visited the younger Lady Dragons again (and gave Twinn my gift!), hung out with Frank-o-bean and had a great time, I even packed up all my stuff in one night and moved into school successfully. Those are some pretty good accomplishments.

Right now, my main goal for the rest of the month would probably be to stick it out and get through captain's practice. It's really tough. I cried today because I felt so inferior... but I think coach still wants me on the team (why else would he ask the captain to help me before practice every day?). That gives me some sort of motivation. That and all the comments people left on Facebook, those really helped :) <3

It might get a bit lonely here, but this is something I just have to do. I have to try..

Day 07

A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you.

My big brother Malcolm. Sure, now it seems like I just want to shut him out of my life, but he's has the biggest impact on my life, hands down. He was the one who played with me as a kid when my sister Dinah was too busy doing her teen things. He was the one I talked to when I was upset. He was the one who stayed up all night and helped me write a final paper for English that was due the next day. He was my singing partner, my protector, my mentor, my lawyer, my loving big brother. You know what? Scratch that. He still is. We're just going through a rough patch right now -_-